Colin Jost
Jules… Beck Bennett
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]
Colin Jost: Well, the holiday season has officially begun. Here in his own unique take on the holidays is Jules who sees things little differently.
[Jules slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Jules: Good evening, Colin. Or should I say good-morrow?
Colin Jost: I think good evening is fine. Jules, are you enjoying the holiday season?
Jules: You could say that. But you see, [Cut to Jules] I celebrate the holidays a little differently. While other people leave out milk and cookies for Santa, I leave out CBD and a note that says “You are enough.”
[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Great. So do you like go home for the holidays?
[Cut to Jules]
Jules: Well, I live in my dad’s pool house. But no. I’m not allowed in the main house anymore because of a cocaine misunderstanding. But Colin, you’re missing the real point of the holidays. Everyone talks about is Black Friday. But that must stop. The movie is just called Friday. We don’t call it Black Shrek.
[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait! You think that Shrek is black? \
Jules: His body, his choice, Collin. But you’re missing the point. [Cut to Jules] The holiday shouldn’t be about consumerism. It should be about can-userism. I can use everything around me and turn it into art, the last autumn’s leaf dandling on a tree branch. And old native-American woman on the subway who I take by the hand and say, “Stand up, dance for us like you once did on this land before my disgusting ancestors stole it from you.” She responded, “I’m Filipino”, and I said, “No, you’re free.”
[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: This is holiday related?
Jules: My perfect holiday meal you asked?
Colin Jost: I didn’t.
[Cut to Jules]
Jules: A table with one person of every ethnicity, white, gay, wheelchair. All seating together, eating nothing but conversation, ideas, delicious. Could you pass the philosophy? And I love seconds on social awareness. Yum, yum, yum, I’m so full… of hope.
[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So that’s like your plan for Christmas?
Jules: Ah! Why are we even giving these holidays names Colin? [Cut to Jules] Instead of calling it ‘Halloween,’ why don’t we call it ‘A great day for women.’ And instead of ‘Easter,’ why not call it ‘Sister,’ and celebrate our Latina sisters?
[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: No, no. You got to get out of here.
Jules: Oh! I’m sorry, do you have a problem celebrating the Sister?
Colin Jost: God damn! Jules, I actually saw a bunch of cocaine in one of the dressing rooms backstage.
[Cut to Jules]
Jules: Oh, dream powder. I have work to do.
[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]
Speaker 3: Jules everyone.
Jules: Santa, free your elf slaves.
