Colin Jost
Jules… Beck Bennett
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]
Colin Jost: The Oscars are only a week away and there will be no host for the ceremony. Here with his take is self-described cultural renegade, Jules who sees things a little differently.
[Jules comes in]
Jules: Hi, hello. Ni-hao, Colin. It’s so …[Jules breathes in] intoxicating to be back.
Colin Jost: Really great. So what do you expect from the Oscars this year?
Jules: Well, first of all, growing up, [Cut to Jules] I wasn’t like other kids. I was a little un-orthodox, if that makes sense. If other kids were dressing up for Halloween, I was dressing up for Wednesday. If my peers were throwing around a football ball, I was gathering scraps of yarn for say, a puppet’s wig. So I guess I just see things a little differently.
[Cut to Jules and Colin]
Colin Jost: That’s great. I didn’t ask but that. Let’s talk about Oscars.
Jules: Oh, here’s a referee, Colin. [Cut to Jules] They open the envelope and the Oscar goes to a lightning bug squished on the ground yet still he glows. The sun light on an old fence covered in dust, or a little boy buying his first penny candy. Go on, Colin. [Cut to Jules and Colin] Close your eyes and taste it. Mmm. Taste your childhood.
Colin Jost: Dude, your hands are visibly dirty. So, just tell me. Are you going to watch the red carpet?
Jules: I’ll watch and scoff, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Yes, they all ask who are you wear something? What I want to know is who are you being? I want to tell every actress I see, take your clothes off, I want to see what’s underneath.
[Cut to Jules and Colin]
Colin Jost: No, you can’t do that, man. That’s really bad.
Jules: Society wants to paint them like little dolls, [Cut to Jules] but they should be like dolls I had as a child, riddled with drift wood with really realistic genitalia.
[Cut to Jules and Colin]
Colin Jost: All right. So I don’t know, who do you think is going to win best picture?
Jules: Oh, that’s tough. [Cut to Jules] On one hand I’m rooting for Black Panther or I call it, Equal Panther. [Cut to Jules and Colin] I also loved Green Book. [Cut to Jules] The story of a wise black musician teaching a mentally challenged Italian man how to love.
[Cut to Jules and Colin]
Colin Jost: I don’t think he is mentally challenged.
Jules: No, no, no. See the movie. He was. But, here’s my real best picture, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Open on a baby laughing. He knows nothing, yet he knows more than we ever will. Cut to a white hand touching a black hand, finally. Pan over a young man feeding old woman soup. Yum. Slam zoom into the old woman’s eye. We see World War II and at it’s entirety reverse shot revealed, the baby was filming it the entire time.
[Cut to Jules and Colin]
Colin Jost: The baby was filming World War II?
Jules: And laughing, yes. She was. Wow! Gratitude.
Colin Jost: Yeah, great. Great. That’s really Cool. I am just curious. I feel like I have to ask. Your primary source of income.
[Cut to Jules]
Jules: Oh, my father sold guns to Al Qaeda.
[Cut to Jules and Colin]
Colin Jost: Jules, everyone.
Jules: The Oscar goes to Whimsy.
