Weekend Update Kid Genius Riley Jenson


Riley Jensen… Melissa Villaseñor

Riley’s Mom… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: A plane sent to space by the air force returned to earth. Here to talk about it is kid genius Riley Jensen.

[Riley Jenson comes in]

Riley’s Mom: Mama is going to be right over here.

Riley Jensen: Thanks, mom. Hi, everybody. Mr. Che, thanks for having me. [laughing]

Michael Che: Thanks for being here, Riley. What’s it like to be a kid genius?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Just like a regular kid, only sometimes I go on TV.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: All right. Well, I hear you really know your stuff, so what can you tell me about this space plane?

Riley Jensen: What can’t I tell you? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B spacecraft measures 29 by 9.5 feet with a wing span of 15 feet.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Wow, that’s pretty big.

Riley Jensen: You bet. And Michael, you know what’s really cool? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B is one of the first unmanned spacecraft to land horizontal on a runway.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Whoa, cool. How does it do that?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Umm, what?

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: You said it lands horizontal. How does that do?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Uh, I—Uh—I don’t know.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: That’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.

Riley Jensen: No, it’s okay. [Cut to Riley Jensen.] Sometimes even geniuses make mistakes.

[Riley’s mom comes in.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re blowing it.

Riley Jensen: This guy’s throwing me curve balls, mom.

Riley’s Mom: Baby, these are softballs and you’re whiffing hard. Okay, you know what? That’s it, we’re canceling “Ellen”.

Riley Jensen: No, no, don’t. If you can’t handle Che, Ellen’s going to eat you alive.

[Riley’s mom leaves] [Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Is everything okay, Riley?
Riley Jensen: I’m great. That was my mom. She’s so funny.

Michael Che: Okay, well this is impressive. I hear you know the names of every planet in the galaxy.

Riley Jensen: Yep. All eight.

Michael Che: Well, eight would be our solar system. The galaxy has billions, right?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Oh, right, I knew that.

[Riley’s mom comes in again.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re bombing.

Riley Jensen: This guy is going off script, mom?

Riley’s Mom: Baby, you look like a normal kid, I want you to know that.

[Cut to Michael Che, Riley Jensen and her mom.]

Michael Che: Alright, I was given some flash cards to quiz you. But I think we should maybe just wrap up this.

Riley’s Mom: No, no. We’re doing the flash cards.

Riley Jensen: Yeah, bring it on. I can do it.

Riley’s Mom: Come on, baby, make mama love you. Come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no! Okay. Riley, what planet is this?

[Michael Che has a picture of earth]

Riley Jensen: Easy, Saturn.

Michael Che: It’s actually earth.

Riley’s Mom: Damn it, get it together.

Riley Jensen: Hit me again, Che!

Michael Che: Okay. Well, how about this one?

[Michael Che has a picture of Saturn]

Riley Jensen: Moon?

Riley’s Mom: No, baby, come on, that’s it. You know what? You’re going to live with your dad.

Riley Jensen: No, he smokes!

Michael Che: Riley Jensen, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Riley Jensen: I’m not smart, I’m just polite.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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