Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che at his news set]
Michael Che: Spring is around the corner which means lots of brides have been planning their weddings. Here to talk about what she’s here to talk about what she’s been planning in our own Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones joins Michael Che]
Leslie Jones: Woo! How you doing Mr. Che.
Michael Che: You can just call me Michael.
Leslie Jones: Yeah, I don’t really know you like that. I ain’t never been on this side of the desk. So it’s Mr. Che.
Michael Che: Okay. So you’re planning a wedding?
Leslie Jones: Hell, no. I’m never getting married. But I am planning the big show, my funeral. Ha-ha.
Michael Che: Are you dying?
Leslie Jones: No, Mr. Che, don’t worry. I just want to make sure [Cut to Leslie Jones] my funeral is planned the way I want it. First off, it’s going to be an open casket. Because I’m going to be naked.[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]
Michael Che: What?
Leslie Jones: Yeah, it’s the last time everybody’s going to get to see me. So I want them to see it all. I got nothing to hide. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’ve been trying to get you all to see me naked for a while now. Also, my funeral is a 90 minutes service. Okay, ain’t going to be six hour Aretha franklin shenanigans. Everybody don’t need to speak. For real, my casket is set to blow up if the funeral goes longer than 90 minutes.[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]
Michael Che: Who do you want to speak at your funeral?
Leslie Jones: Stifler. Stifler is going to speak.
Michael Che: Stifler from ‘American Pie’?
Leslie Jones: I love him. Let’s see, who else is on the guest list?
Michael Che: You got a guest list for you funeral?
Leslie Jones: And a seating chart. I told you Mr. Che, this is the big show.
Michael Che: It’s just Michael.[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: So J. Lo and A. Rod, congrats. You’re going to be sitting court-side, but I need to make something very clear, J. Lo, you ain’t going to be singing bitch. I love you, boo, but no. Okay, I want Fantasia Barrino to sing. You know what I’m saying?
Michael Che: From ‘American Idol’?
Leslie Jones: No, not the Fantasia white people know. I want the Fantasia black people know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want the back of the church eating a fish sandwich Fantasia. I want the sweaty face kicking her shoes off before she goes [making weird noise]– That’s Fantasia Barrino I want. And I want everything at my funeral. I want run from Run-DMC. To be the preacher. I want the little girl from the Sia videos to come out and do an interpretive dance of my life. There’s going to be a cash bar. Because my cousin Tamina is bartending and she needs that money.[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]
Michael Che: And then you’re going to be buried?
Leslie Jones: No, I don’t want a burial. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want my naked body to be put on a float and floated out to sea. And have Aquaman dressed upa as Khal Drogo.[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]
Michael Che: Jason Momoa?
Leslie Jones: Ain’t no man with the look like that should be going by the name Jason. [Cut to Leslie Jones] His name is Aquaman. So I want Aquaman dressed as Khal Drogo to shoot an arrow of fire at my body and burn me like the warrior princess I am. And then turn my ashes into weed.[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]
Michael Che: Leslie Jones, everybody. For weekend update.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.