Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lori Loughlin at right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: Lori Loughlin appeared in court to face charges that she bribed college officials. It’s amazed how people are so shocked by this story. Rich people have been finding loopholes to get their kids in college forever. For example Lacrosse. [Picture changes to a sports called Lacrosse] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jim Carry and Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee at left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: Actor Jim Carry got into a twitter feud this week with the granddaughter of Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee because that’s just the kind of thing that happens now and we all have to accept it. News at this point is just a string of unrelated words like Elon Musk releases Harambe rap. Or this actual headline I read today, [Picture changes to a newspaper article] disabled chicken who survived weasel attack learning to walk, thanks to custom wheelchair. Guys, just eat the chicken.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oreo at right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: Oreo has introduced a new line of cookies inspired by ‘Game of Thrones’. I assume with the slogan Diabetes Is Coming. [Picture changes to a gay flag and a map of Wisconsin] A gay couple in Wisconsin says their landlord has threatened to evict them if they don’t take down their gay pride flag. And it’s truly shocking to me that in 2019 there are still gay people that haven’t left Wisconsin.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana at left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: A new study finds that marijuana resin sold on the streets of Madrid contains a dangerous amount of fecal matter. Begging the question, what’s a good amount? A group of people in England [Picture changes to logo of Star Wars] are organizing a ‘Star Wars’ themed orgy which is just an orgy where you find out the guy in the mask is actually your father.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Charmin logo at right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: Charmin has introduced a new toilet paper called the Forever Roll which can last someone up to one month. We’ll see about that, said Chipotle.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mountain at left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: And a woman who lost her son’s grover doll while climbing a mountain had it returned after another climber found it. But only after grover freed himself from a bolder by cutting off his own arm.