Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat stuck in a hole at the left top corner of the screen] Okay, this is weird, but did you guys see this picture online of a chubby sewer rat that got stuck in a manhole? It’s this creature that usually seems gross, but under these circumstances, it’s kind of adorable and you almost feel sorry for it. Well, that’s how I felt about watching [Picture changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen testify before congress. Cohen who looks like he shaves in the car, accused the sitting president of fraud, tax evasion, racism and republicans fired back like, “Yes, that’s our guy”. The testimony had so many fun weird details that no one even followed up about. Like how Cohen said that [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Buffalo Bills logo] Trump inflated his net worth by $4 billion in an effort to buy Buffalo Bills. You lied to buy the Bills? It’s like using a fake ID to get into a [The picture changes to Nickleback band] Nickleback concert. [Picture changes to Michael Cohen at left and Donald Trump at right] Cohen also provide congress of copies of letters threatening Trump’s high schools and colleges not to release his SAT scores. And well, Cohen did not reveal what those scores were. Let’s just say Trump lives a little closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue than to 1600.
Michael Che: Michael Cohen told congress about all the dirty little nasty freaky things that Donald Trump made him do. I don’t know why I just made that sexual. But I am tired of Michael Cohen’s damns in distress routine, “Oh, Mr. Trump took advantage of me. I guess I’m a fool.” You stole United State’s presidency. Why are you acting like a bitch now? His voice was not trembling when he was threatening school teachers and shaking down porn stars. I want to hear that guy talk to congress. At least Donald Trump has the decency to slowly fall apart until he was dragged off in handcuffs like a boss. I mean, that’s how I want to leave SNL.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the left corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: Wile Cohen was testifying, President Trump met with North Korean Dictator and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong-Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong-Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the right corner of the screen]
Michael Che: Some people are saying this summit was a big waste of time. Maybe it was, but I learned Kim Jong-Un has a sister. [Zoom in the picture where a young girl is watching Kim Jong-Un from behind] You see her? I don’t know what she does but she is always hiding [Different pictures appear, all with the girl behind Kim Jong-Un] somewhere behind him and it’s adorable as hell. Like a little Korean Where’s Waldo.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at the left corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: And then just earlier today, Trump spoke at the C-PAC conference for, I’m not exaggerating, two hours and 20 minutes straight. And it started with Trump coming out and hugging the American flag like Lenny from ‘Of Mice and Men’.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump hugging the American flag] [Cut to Colin Jost]
What the hell was that? And then after that, patriotic me too moment, it somehow got crazier from there, here’s just a taste.[Cut to Donald Trump speech]
Donald Trump: Our country is in big trouble, folks, because we have to get it back. Darling is the wind blowing today? I’d like to watch television, darling. The Attorney General says, “I’m going to rescue myself.” And I’m in the White House and I was lonely. I said, “Let’s go to Iraq”. So I met generals I don’t know. General one, general two, general three. I said, “What’s your name?” “Sir, my name is Raisin”. What the hell kind of a name—I said, “Raisin like the fruit?” $7 trillion and we have to fly in with no lights. Please get us e-mails! Please! I’m going to regret this speech.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, at least he’s self-aware. Anyway, if you were curious, Trump’s really handling the Cohen testimony really well.