Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar with May 12 marked at left top corner.]Colin Jost: This Sunday is mother’s day. A holiday that Georgia is trying to make [The picture changes to an article that says ‘Georgia passes six-week ban.] mandatory.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeff Bezos and his blue moon ship at right top corner.]Michael Che: Jeff Bezos introduced a new Lunar Lander which he plans to use to send people to the moon by 2024. So to answer your question, no, he isn’t handling the divorce well. [The picture changes to baby names] A new report from the social security administration shows that in 2018 the most popular baby names were Emma and Liam, as in “No, we will not be vaccinating Emma and Liam.”
[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an airport at left top corner.] Colin Jost: A new poll has listed the worst airport in the US as Newark airport. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. You should be very proud. The worst was Newark airport which came in just below [Picture changes to a drowning airplane] the Hudson river. [Picture changes to the Facebook logo]Facebook has introduced a new feature allowing people to connect with someone they have a secret crush on. To learn more, watch a future episode of “Dateline” called ‘The Facebook Murders.”
[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Costco at right top corner.]Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin are searching for a man who stole 24 bottles of Hennessey from a local costo. And no need to Google it. He’s black. [Colin coughs while laughing. Michael looks at Colin.] Laughing a little too hard over there.
[The picture changes to a picture of a news article that says ‘Pornstar has sex in self driving car’.]A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving in autopilot. And amazingly, no one was rear-ended.
[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of New Jersey flag at left top corner.]Colin Jost: New Jersey’s governor has ordered liberty state part to remove a Mississippi state flag because it features a confederate symbol. And to better reflect New Jersey’s values they’re replacing it with a flag of Tony Soprano Curb-Stomping the Philly Phanatic.
Michael Che: Shortly after a Florida man was arrested for having an “I eat ass” Sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him. And I think I know how he got out of it.
