Michael Che[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]
Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]
Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you.[cheers and applause]
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
This week, democrats announced that they would move towards impeachment before Christmas. So, Trump was right. A lot of Americans will be saying Merry Christmas again. [The picture changes to Nancy Pelosi] After announcing articles impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates president Trump saying, “As a Catholic I don’t hate anyone.” As a Catholic, I know there’s always one person you hate. Yourself. Also, a Catholic approach wouldn’t be to impeach Trump. It would be to quietly transfer him to a different presidency.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, wine and a map of France at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump warned France that if it impose it’s attacks on US tech companies, the US will retaliate with a tax on French wine. And I got to admit, it is pretty funny that all the Trump’s tariffs are based on lazy stereotypes. In it was Japan you would attack ninja stars. If it was Italy, spaghetti. God forbid it was a black country. He would probably tax those Popeye chicken sandwiches.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Just Trudeau left top corner.]
Colin Jost: President Trump called Justin Trudeau two-faced after the Canadian Prime Minister was caught making fun of Trump. And it is true, I’ve definitely seen Trudeau with at least one other face.
Donald Trump: People are flushing ten times, 15 times, as opposed to once.[Cut to Michael Che.]
Michael Che: What people are flushing toilets 15 times? Besides you. You don’t even drink. You can’t blame whiskey. I don’t want to be gross, but if you’re up to double digit flushes, you might as well just grab it out the bowl and toss it out the window.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Devin Nunes, Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: According to at representative Devin Nunes, he spoke with Giuliani associate Lev Parnas on the phone for 8 minutes, which if true that would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T. That means that Giuliani, Devin Nunes and Lev Parnas were in constant contact during the whole Ukraine scheme. I’m just impressed these geniuses were able to up with a plan at all. Usually when people with their mental capacity team up, all they do is talk about different kinds of shrimp. [Picture changes to Tom Hanks nd Michael Jace] [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]
And now, Rudy Giuliani has traveled to Ukraine to work on a documentary they think will undermine the democrats’ case for impeachment. Does he know how long it takes to make a documentary? Is there a voting on impeachment in like a week. I think when he says a documentary, he might just mean a tiktok.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of White House at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The white house issued new guidelines that requires people receiving food stamps to work at least 20 hours a week. Good, I guess people on food stamps have had it too good for too long. Why does everybody always think the poorest people are trying to take advantage of them? One time I saw a guy begging on a train, and I was about to give him money. And this lady immediately goes like, “Oh, he’s just faking it.” I don’t know. That smells like pretty real piss.