Nico Slobkin… Mikey Day
Brie Bacardi… Heidi Gardner
Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]
Michael Che: It’s the first warm weekend in New York. Here with some romantic picnic tips Instagram couple Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi.[Nico and Brie join Michael Che]
Nico Slobkin: Hey. What’s up man?
Brie Bacardi: Hi Michael.
Nico Slobkin: Jokes have been fire tonight man. Good job.
Michael Che: Thanks, man. So let’s hear these romantic picnic tips.
Brie Bacardi: Okay, so the key to perfect picnic is a pretty location.
Nico Slobkin: Yeah, last week Brie and I picnicked at the Superbloom in LA. Here’s a post.[Cut to Instagram post of their picnic]
Brie Bacardi: It says, “He thinks the flowers looked prettier on me than in the earth. #superbloom #ashappyasdayone #flatearth”.[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]
Michael Che: Wow, are you guys as in love in real life as you are in your pictures?
Brie Bacardi: Yes, [Cut to Nico and Brie] and people can tell because that’s our most liked photo to date.
Nico Slobkin: Oh, actually you’re wrong. She’s wrong. It’s actually our Disney land photo. That’s the most liked one.
Brie Bacardi: Okay, sorry, I’m wrong. [Acting annoyed] Sorry everyone. I guess I’m wrong.
Nico Slobkin: Okay. Are you mad?
Brie Bacardi: No.
Nico Slobkin: Okay. You seem mad.
Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well I’m not mad.
Nico Slobkin: Okay. Well you seem obviously mad.
Brie Bacardi: Nico, I literally don’t care. Drop it.
Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Drop it.
Brie Bacardi: Oh, is that how you think I talk?
Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yes, when you get mad, you talk like that.
Brie Bacardi: [Pauses for a moment] Okay. Then I guess I’ll never talk again.
Nico Slobkin: [Tries to make up to Brie] No, baby. I’m sorry. What can I do? [Brie just shakes her head] What can I do? You want me to make you laugh? You want me to do Cartman? I’ll do the Cartman voice? [In Cartman voice] Cheesy poo!
Brie Bacardi: [Brie starts to laugh] Oh my god, that’s Cartman. Oh, that’s so fresh, baby.
Nico Slobkin: She loves it.
Brie Bacardi: I love you.[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]
Nico Slobkin: I love you too, baby.
Michael Che: You good?
Brie Bacardi: Yeah, bulletproof Che. [Cut to Nico and Brie] So our next tip. Don’t forget to pack the rose because girls love the rose. Is that what your girlfriend drinks, Che?[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]
Michael Che: I don’t have a girlfriend.
Brie Bacardi: What? [Brie touches Michael] You don’t have a girlfriend? That’s crazy.
Nico Slobkin: Well, let me know when you’re done hitting on Michael Che in front of me.
Brie Bacardi: Oh my god.[Nico pulls his shirt up covering his face]
Nico Slobkin: I’ll be in here.
Brie Bacardi: Okay. And he’s got a shirt shield on.
Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che![Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]
Brie Bacardi: Oh my god!
Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che![Cut to Nico and Brie]
Brie Bacardi: Were you not backstage when Emma Stone walked by and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, she’s so pretty.” Your eyes went out of your head.
Nico Slobkin: Oh, I was like the mask? They were like ‘Ba-Doom!’
Brie Bacardi: Yes![Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]
Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!
Brie Bacardi: You know what, you’re embarrassing yourself.[Cut to Nico and Brie]
Nico Slobkin: Really?
Brie Bacardi: Yes. We’re breaking up.
Nico Slobkin: We’re breaking up?
Brie Bacardi: Yes. For real.
Nico Slobkin: Great! Whoo! Freedom.
Brie Bacardi: Oh, you’re happy?
Nico Slobkin: Yeah.
Brie Bacardi: Cool. That’s good to know for the after-party because let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. BTS will be there.
Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yay.
Brie Bacardi: Oh, and Pete will be there. Cool. I’m good.
Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Whoo! Yay!
Brie Bacardi: Yes.
Nico Slobkin: Well, okay. So, it wouldn’t be the first time you made out with eight dudes in one night.
Brie Bacardi: Oh, my god.
Nico Slobkin: Yes, she did. She did.
Brie Bacardi: And it was on October fest.
Nico Slobkin: So? I cannot do this anymore. You’re driving me insane. I hate my life.
Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well, I’m pregnant.
Nico Slobkin: You know I hate when you do this. So, I’m going to ask you, are you lying?
Brie Bacardi: Yes.
Nico Slobkin: Oh, my god.[Cut to everybody]
Michael Che: Nico and Bri, everybody.
Brie Bacardi: Our planet is flat.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.