Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]
Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort and Donald Trump at left top corner of the screen.] Well, here’s how bad Trump’s presidency is going. His campaign manager was just sentenced to four years in prison. And for Trump, that’s good news. Paul Manafort who looks like he was born divorced, faced up to 24 years in prison but only got four years, probably in minimum security white collar prison with a bunch of his friends. The guy stole over $50 million. And he basically got sentenced to college. The judge who sentenced Manafort said he gave him a lenient sentence because Manafort had lived “An otherwise blameless life” which is also the name of my favorite third eye blind album. Also, how can you possibly claim Manafort lived a blameless life. He’s being sentenced for another crime next week. And it’s a crime he committed while on house arrest for a third crime.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: Paul Manafort got 47 months for tax evasion and bank fraud which as black guy feels very unfair. But for a rich black guy, it’s a little encouraging. I mean if I could steal millions of dollars in the United States Presidency in exchange for three years of my 70s? I can’t promise I won’t try. Chances are, I’m going to end up in jail in my 70s anyway by saying something that’s fine now but is punishable by death in 40 years. Like, calling my kids the N word. Or, calling my wife the N word. Or, calling some white lady the N word.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Li Yang at left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Your kids? It was reported that President Trump watched the Super Bowl at Mar-a-lago with Li Yang, the woman who founded the chain of Asian day spa where patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited a prostitute. First of all, what a time to be alive, huh? Second, you know that Trump spent all their time together trying to convince her to give up North Korea’s nuclear weapons.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump signing Bibles at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed bibles for them. Now, I don’t know man. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either.
Colin Jost: And Hillary Clinton announced this week that she is officially not running for president. Am I the only one who’s a little disappointed? First of all, I think she would be a great president. Second of all, I want to see a rematch. Come on, Hillary is like Rocky in ‘Rocky IV’. No one thinks she can come out of retirement to beat this Russian hero [Picture changes to a boxer with Donald Trump’s face] who barely speaks English. I mean, Hillary [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in jungle] literally went into the woods to do her training montage. She is ready to win this thing for America, because now she’s got nothing to lose, except the presidency for a third time.