John Mulaney[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]
Colin Jost: We are so happy to have this next guy back. Here to talk about a very important experience he had over the holidays is Pete Davidson. Hi, Pete. How are you Pete?[Pete Davidson comes in]
Pete Davidson: I’m great. As you know, I had a really crazy month and [Cut to Pete Davidson] I want to talk about something that matters a lot to me.[Cut to Colin and Pete]
Colin Jost: Mental health?
Pete Davidson: No. The new Clint Eastwood movie, The Mule.[Cut to Pete Davidson]
Colin Jost: You want to talk about The Mule?
Pete Davidson: Colin, yo! It’s unbelievable. Have you guys not seen it?[Cut to Pete, Colin and Michael]
Colin Jost: No.
Michael Che: No.
Pete Davidson: Morons. Listen, so I’m glad[Cut to Pete Davidson] I brought someone who saw The Mule with me. It means a lot to us. Comedian and Mule appreciator, John Mulaney.[John Mulaney comes in]
John Mulaney: Michael. Colin. Hi. So, you guys are talking about The Mule?[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]
Colin Jost: Um, no, basically never, no. I didn’t actually realize you guys hung out together.
John Mulaney: No, we do, but a lot of times [Cut to John and Pete] it looks like I’m Pete’s lawyer.
Pete Davidson: People usually think he’s like an NBA coach and I’m the controversial rookie.
John Mulaney: But, I have been spending time with Pete to try to show him you can have a life in comedy that is not insane. A sober domestic life.
Pete Davidson: Yeah. And after observing John’s life, I publicly threatened suicide. [Pete laughs] I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make that joke. It is funny though.
John Mulaney: Look me in the eye. You are loved by many.
Pete Davidson: Thank you, John. [Pete laughs]
John Mulaney: We are glad you are okay.
Pete Davidson: Okay.
John Mulaney: Now, back to The Mule.
Pete Davidson: Seriously, yeah.
John Mulaney: We went to see The Mule on opening day.
Pete Davidson: We didn’t go in with any expectations.
John Mulaney: This movie was, I dare say, the greatest–
Pete Davidson: Weirdest.
John Mulaney: Most bananas movie ever made.
Pete Davidson: About a 90 year old drug mule.
John Mulaney: You remember when Clint Eastwood berated an empty chair at the republican national convention?
Pete Davidson: It’s like if that was a movie.
John Mulaney: So, in The Mule–
Pete Davidson: The Mule–
John Mulaney: The Mule, Clint stars as a wildly popular botanist.
Pete Davidson: Flower man.
John Mulaney: Who after falling on hard times is hired as a drug mule.
Pete Davidson: At age 90–
John Mulaney: — 90, by a Mexican drug cartel–
Pete Davidson: –run by Andy Garcia.
John Mulaney: He was rude to me at a Lakers game once.
Pete Davidson: I remember that. When we say he is a mule, he drives drugs across state lines. I was hoping I would see him shove drugs up his ass which is what real drug users did.
John Mulaney: And what Pete did on the way to Denver.
Pete Davidson: Yes, because I forgot it was legal.
John Mulaney: I was proud of you for using a condom for once.
Pete Davidson: Yes. Anyway, plowing through, as they say. Clint Eastwood drives hundreds of kilos of drugs across the United States.
John Mulaney: That’s not the weird part.
Pete Davidson: The weird part is that he is 90 and he is driving.
John Mulaney: He is 90. When my grandma turned 90, we bribed the DMV to flunk her on her driving test and they did it.
Pete Davidson: [Pete freaking out] Why aren’t you guys freaking out? He’s old. There’s a scene where he’s driving with no hands and unwrapping an ice-cream sandwich and singing jazz and stuff. It’s insane.
John Mulaney: That’s when we realized that this was a super hero movie for old people about a guy whose super power is that he can drive unsupervised.
Pete Davidson: Yeah. And he’s so good that the head of a drug cartel played And Garcia–
John Mulaney: who was rude at a Laker game once.
Pete Davidson: Yes. I remember that. It’s true. He throws the mule a party for being their best driver ever.
John Mulaney: Fulfilling another elderly grandpa fantasy that a 90 year old white man can do any job better than a Mexican even when the job is Mexican drug trafficking.
Pete Davidson: Oh. We also forgot to mention. 90 year old Clint Eastwood has two threesomes in this movie.
John Mulaney: And he directed it.
Pete Davidson: Two! Two! I don’t think you guys understand. I had one. I guess you probably have none. Right?
John Mulaney: You are correct, sir. But according to The Mule, I have a solid 54 years before that window closes. [Pete Davidson cannot handle his laughter. He leans back and laugh] So look out in 2072 for my wish fulfillment movie, The Mule-Aney. [Cut to cover picture of the movie The Mule-Aney, with John Mulaney’s face] [Cut to John and Pete. Pete is still laughing leaning back] In that movie, I am 90 and I have three ways and Andy Garcia will move his legs so I can get to my seat.[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]
Colin Jost: Pete and John Mulaney everyone.