Pete Davidson[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]
Colin Jost: According to the CDC, cases of the sexually transmitted diseases as chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea are all at all-time highs because of dating apps. With more on this obviously is Pete Davidson.[Pete Davidson slides in]
Pete Davidson: Thank you very much. Hello. Yes. Thank you. Undeserved, all of this. Yeah, I don’t—I don’t really see the problem.
Colin Jost: What do you mean, Pete?
Pete Davidson: I don’t see the problem, Colin. These are all things you can cure with a shot. I don’t know how this is even news, really.[Cut to Pete Davidson] I understand, you know, people can be worried about STDs. I get tested all the time because I look like I have all of them. Yeah, and I might have created my own, but every single time I pray I only get the ones you just mentioned because you can just take a pill and keep rolling the dice. You know? The flu can last like a month, but syphilis, it’s like four days. Bring it on. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] The flu is like our syphilises.
Colin Jost: Well, I guess that’s a really optimistic way of looking at it.
Pete Davidson: It’s the only way, Colin. No. So, I reckon a number of people have curable STDs.[Cut to Pete Davidson]
You know what I hear, way to go science. All right? There’s already a cure? We don’t even need to have a race for it? Like, I read online dating is actually like desegregating American online. Like helping. Way more people are dating outside their race and their social class and religion. You’re going to risk all that ethnic harmony to stop a few busted pipes from dripping? I don’t think that’s fair.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Pete!
Pete Davidson: What? Fine. Penis. You child. No, they don’t let us say any of the fun words. You think busted pipes dripping was my first choice?
Colin Jost: I’m worried you may be giving people bad advice.
Pete Davidson: Definitely. [Cut to Pete Davidson] But obviously, it’s a bad thing all of these diseases are back after so many years. Gonorrhea. Does everything in my generation have to be a reboot? Like, the clap and Rambo came back in the same year. And neither of them were wanted. That guy’s like, green. Anyway, crazy. Sorry to get a little off topic. So, no. Don’t get me wrong. I’m saying to people you should wear you know, wear a condom, but since you won’t, you know—call your doctor and get antibiotics. That’s all.
Colin Jost: That’s all you wanted to say?
Pete Davidson: Yes. It really is. You know? So I did hear your little joke about me last week. Your gentle little ribbing calling me that guy who lost his car at a music festival for a week, which I looked up, it was not me. And by the way, Colin, I don’t know if you’ve seen “The Joker” but I think you should start being way nicer to me.
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.
Pete Davidson: I’m serious.
Colin Jost: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.