Colin Jost
Pete Davidson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Now here to share his thoughts on historic impeachment hearings is Pete Davidson.
[cheers and applause]
[Pete Davidson slides in]
Pete Davidson: Hey Colin!
Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? What’s your take on impeachment?
Pete Davidson: Oh, I just said that so you let met me come out here. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have no idea what’s going on. I’m still trying to get through the Irishman. By the time it’s over, I’m gonna need the anti-ageing technology. Hell!
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So, nothing about impeachment?
Pete Davidson: Nothing.
Colin Jost: Well, are you dating anyone?
Pete Davidson: Yeah. And it’s not fair, Colin. You get to data famous woman and everyone is delighted. [Cut to Pete Davidson ] But when I do it, the world wants to punch me in the throat. What did do I? If I’m your type of guy that your daughter or mother is into, then trust me, I’m the best case scenario. There are a million guys who look like me and I’m the only one with a job. It’s like me or Tyga. It’s hard to follow Gumby. I can’t believe you let me do this during the Eddie Murphy episode. So many fans being reminded why they stopped watching.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, a lot of people remember you as the youngest person since Eddie Murphy joined the cast.
Pete Davidson: Yeah! I wish they wouldn’t. It’s mean to Eddie. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There was a time where he had been in number one movie, show and song at the same time. I don’t think there was an episode where I was in both a live sketch and a video. You’re out there Colin, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]just rubbing elbows with the avengers. Elbows at the least. That’s my boy. That’s my boy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] When I’m done with the show, I’ll be sitting around waiting for Tash to retire. [Cut to Pete Davidson] “Hey kid, you want to see a fat kid mess up the national anthem?” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Sorry. I don’t like that guy.
Colin Jost: Pete, what are you doing for the holidays?
Pete Davidson: Oh! I’m going on a little “vacation”.
Colin Jost: Why did you put in it quotes?
Pete Davidson: You know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] the kind of vacation where insurance pays for some of it and they take your phone and shoe laces and you have roommates but it still costs like Colin Jost00 grand.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I hope you know a lot of people really care about you.
Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, sure.
Colin Jost: I’m serious. I bet if I read a random tweet right now, it would be super popular.
Pete Davidson: How much? I got 30 racks. Let’s do it.
Colin Jost: You have $30,000 on you?
Pete Davidson: Yeah. What if Scarlett wants to go to lunch?
Colin Jost: Okay. I’m going to read the first tweet that I see here. A gentleman’s wager. Here’s the first one. “I don’t care if he’s crazy. I really love Pete Davidson.”
Pete Davidson: That’s nice. That makes me feel great. Let’s read one about you.
Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that.
Pete Davidson: No, I want to because you’re just the best. “Colin Jost is so handsome, he looks like he always gets the eight hours of sheep Pete Davidson desperately needs.:
Colin Jost: Trust me, people make fun of me a lot.
Pete Davidson: Nobody does. That’s crazy. I can only picture you having sex missionary, you know? But like, I picture it a lot.
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.
