Tommy… Pete Davidson[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen] President Trump declared a national emergency yesterday and said we need a wall to stop the flow of drugs into our country. And to demonstrate how bad the problem is, trump spent 20 minutes doing his impressions of a coke addict.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]
Donald Trump: It’s all a big lie. It’s a big con game. I don’t know what to do with all the money they’re giving us. It’s crazy. Eight billion or two billion or one and half billion—it’s gonna build a lot of wall. We give death penalty. Fire and fury. Total annihilation. The Nobel Peace prize. Probably never get it, but that’s okay, gave it to Obama. So that’s the story.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]
Colin Jost: what a beautiful story it was. Trump then described in a sing-song voice how his decoration will face a lengthy legal challenge before he can actually act on it saying this.
Donald Trump: And we will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued and they will sue us in the ninth circuit, even though it shouldn’t be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we’ll get another bad ruling, and then we will end up in supreme court, and hopefully we’ll get a fair shake, and we’ll win to the supreme court, just like the band.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]
Colin Jost: [Colin talks in sing-song voice like Donald Trump] Oh, my god. That guy controls our nuclear weapons.
Watching that was like a [Picture changes to School House Rock’s picture] School House Rock had stroke. By the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech outside the White House] you know what an actual national emergency is, the climate change that let the president give an outdoor press conference in the middle of February.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the wall at the right top former of the screen]
Michael Che: I’m so tired of telling Donald Trump’s crazy jokes. I have been making fun of this dude and his dumb ass wall for so long, I got to be honest, now, I kind of want to see the wall. I mean, I never have seen anybody so confident in such a bad idea. It’s almost charming. Like when Colin thought [Picture changes to Colin Jost with cornrows hair] he could pull off cornrows. I’m not saying we should let him [Picture changes to Donald Trump and the wall] build the wall, but what if we let him do a power point presentation. A dramatic reenactment. I just want to see exactly what Trump thinks is going to happen when a Mexican cartel sees a wall. What do you think they’re gonna do? Shake their fists and turn around and walk home. Do you know how motivated you got to be to sell drugs? I know a guy that swallowed a bag of dope, pooped it out and washed it off, and then still sold it. You can’t build a wall to stop that kind of crimes man![Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]
Colin Jost: And I don’t know if you noticed but Trump’s messaging on the wall keeps changing too. First it was ‘Build a wall’. Then he changed it to ‘Finish the Wall’ and then when he doesn’t finish the wall, it will be, ‘Actually The Wall Was Inside Of Us The Whole Time’. However, the deal with congress did provide funding for a 55-mile section of slats, and we actually have one of Trump’s best guys who is there right now. He’s already started building it. Did you finish that first section yet Tommy?[Cut to Tommy in front of the wall. The slats are horizontally built like a ladder.]
Tommy: That’s right, this slats all ready to go, boss. Oh, that hurts, I think we built a ladder.
Colin Jost: That was it. Trump described increased violence at the border, but to be fair, he had air tight evidence to back it up.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: I used many stats.
Reporter: Could you share those stats with us?
Donald Trump: Let me tell you, you have stats that are far worse than the ones that I use. I use many stats.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]
Colin Jost: Many of them. Does anyone get the sneaking suspicion when he says many, he means zero. It’s like turning in a paper where the bibliography section just says many books.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the wall at the right top former of the screen]
Michael Che: This wall is clearly racist. It’s just a way for the native Americans to blame brown people for their new heroin habit. Why didn’t they build a wall for us it in the 80s when we needed it. But the problem isn’t that drugs are coming in, the problem is people really want to get high. Address that part. If your wife is cheating on you, she is not going to stop because you built a wall around the house. You have to get the root of the actual problem, otherwise you just going to come home and find strange men running around in those slats.