Michael Che[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
So on Wednesday the house voted to impeach president Trump. But Nancy Pelosi refuses to send the articles to the senate until they guarantee a fair trial. So now we’re in this weird limbo where no one knows exactly what’s going on. There’s this cast of wild characters making fools of themselves. And everyone is thinking, “Please, god, just let this end.” So basically, [Picture changes to cover picture of Cats movie] it’s “Cats.”[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
This impeachment is a huge historic moment. And you can tell that Trump really appreciates the gravity of the situation. Because this is what he said on the day he got impeached.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]
Donald Trump: Remember the dishwasher? You press it, boom, there would be like an explosion. Five minutes later, you open it up, the steam pours out. Dishes. Now you press it Colin JostMichael Che times. Women tell me —
Colin Jost: Words that will echo through the ages. He’s the first president ever impeached in his first term and he launches into a rambling Yelp review of appliances. And then Trump got the crowd to do the weirdest call in response I’ve ever heard. Listen.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]
Donald Trump: Sinks. Showers. What goes with a sink and a shower?
Crowd: Toilets![Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: His crowd knew the answer was toilets. They were right because in a second later, he reviewed his strange feud with it flushing. Check this out.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]
Donald Trump: Like Colin Jost0 times. Bam! Bam! Not me, of course. Not me. [Pointing at someone] You![Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Some poor guy in the audience waited in line outdoors in Michigan in December to support the president. He gets inside and the president points to him, and he’s like “This guy destroys toilets.” But there was somehow an even lower point, which was when trump attacked a dead congressman, John Dingell and said he was looking up at us from hell. So obviously nobody is looking up at us from hell, because we’re already there.
Michael Che: In a letter of Nancy Pelosi, Trump claimed that he has been treated worse than those accused in a Salem Witch trials. You know, where they set women on fire for wearing pants. According to Donald Trump, impeachment is literally worse than that. I’m a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap. I thought it would be fun like Tupac in 96′. This is more like Brittney in Michael Che007.[Picture changes to Mike Pence]
The most interesting thing about this whole impeachment is Mike Pence, because if Trump’s out, he’s going to be the president. So, every time Trump is yelling on TV, like, “If you impeach me, it’s going to be a disaster”, Pence got to be thinking, “Well, I wouldn’t call it a disaster.” How does that not make him feel bad personally? That would be like if I tell Lorne, “You can’t fire me, then some racist would be doing Updates by himself.” [Cut to Colin Jost angrily looking at Michael Che] [Michael Che laughing]
Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.