Weekend Update R. Kelly Held without Bail


Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog and dog food at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A number of companies have started offering plant based dog food options, perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dukie with a plastic bag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of R Kelly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with their schedule of their middle school.

[The picture changes to a glass of red wine.]

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end Ireland.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article at left top corner that says ‘Man Hit in Testicle’.]

Michael Che: A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machinefired a 75mph fastball into his left testicle. I guess, ball one.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat ‘Dad’.

[Picture changes to a news article with a title ‘Man Can’t Find Car After a Week’.]

A man who drove his car to a music festival still cannot remember where he parked his car a week after the show. We hope you make it back soon, [Picture changes to Pete Davidson] Pete.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pet horse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies. You know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

[Picture changes to a news article ‘Billboard Displays Porn.]

Two people in Michigan accessed the computer billboard along a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of Carjacking.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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