Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of R. Kelly at right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: R. Kelly. R. Kelly has faced a string of financial problems including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, unpaid child support is also alimony. But do you get it?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bryce Harper at left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: That’s good. Bryce Harper signed a 13 year $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question, how much would someone have to pay you to live in Philadelphia? He didn’t think he was going there. [Picture changes to Target logo] In effort to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight”.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of prison at right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: A man who was sentenced to life for murder at age 17 has been released from prison at the age of 74. The man says he can’t wait to see his friends and family, but what he misses the most is murdering. [Picture changes to picture map of Alabama] Two people in Alabama were arrested after getting into a fight at a restaurant over crab legs at a buffet which coincidentally is also the image on [Picture changes to state flog of Alabama] the Alabama state flag.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York picture map at left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: Police in New York arrested a man who faked his own abduction and robbery to avoid paying 50 grand what he owed in a Super Bowl pool. Worse, the man had just lost his job on [Picture changes to Jussie Smollett] Empire. That’s Weekend Update, Good night!