Weekend Update Scooter Rineholdt

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: This week it was announced that Dean Foods, America’s largest diary milk producer is filing for bankruptcy. Here to comment is Dean Food’s president of milk distribution, Scooter Rineholdt.

[Scooter Rineholdt joins Michael Che.]

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey! Got an ice cold cow’s milk for you. That’s a good stuff right there.

Michael Che: No thanks. I’m good.

Scooter Rineholdt: So, they got you, too, huh Che? There is nothing wrong with drinking cow’s milk, okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] I don’t know where these rumors came from. “Dairy is bad for you.” “Cows don’t like it when you touch their boobies.” It’s just not true, Che!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che:  Whoa. Scooter, calm down, man.

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey, cow’s milk is good for you. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] It makes your bones strong and your teeth white.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Hey, Scooter, you okay, man? \
Scooter Rineholdt: Am I okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] My company is going freaking bankrupt and my wife is porking the mayor. This freaking sucks!  [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.] Che, ask me something useful before I blow my brains all over your pretty little desk.

Michael Che: Alright, you got– Calm– Okay. Has the milk industry maybe tried some healthier alternatives?

Scooter Rineholdt: No doy, Che. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] We use skim, nonfat, little fat, and even one with no lactose. The dairy industry has always been there for you guys. Now because of some nut job out there, everybody is trying these non-dairy milks. I’d rather drink my own piss.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: I understand you’re upset but there are some pretty good-tasting and healthy alternative.

Scooter Rineholdt: Oh! Is that right, Che? Good for you, you say? It’s clear someone doesn’t read the news. Isn’t that like your whole deal? You’re like the informed news guy?

Michael Che: What news are you talking about?

Scooter Rineholdt: This was actually all over the web the other day. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] Swear to god. “Man quits drinking dairy, goes to bed, never wakes up.” Gees!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: What?

Scooter Rineholdt: I mean you hate to see that.

Michael Che: Are you saying not drinking dairy caused a man to die?

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt]

Scooter Rineholdt: I’m not saying anything but you know, kinda scary, right Che?

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Maybe you need to just accept that times are changing okay?

Scooter Rineholdt: Are they, Che? People are out here still eating cheese. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] Cheese industry going just fine. Meanwhile, I’m going broke. Kind of. Kind of makes me want to blow my dang brains out all over your pretty little desk.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Hey man, you got to stop saying that, man. Chill.

Scooter Rineholdt: [Yelling] You don’t tell me to chill!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt]

There’s all these news about alternative milks. Scaring me, Michael.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: You got another news story.

Scooter Rineholdt: Yeah, man. Right here. Wild stuff. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] “Pregnant woman drinks oat milk, kid goes blind.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

I don’t like that.

Michael Che: Where are you getting these stories?

Scooter Rineholdt: www.milkdaddy.net/importantnews.

[Phone beeping]

Oh, gosh! Breaking news, eh? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] “Toddler drinks soy milk, joins ISIS”? And they say guns are a problem.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Scooter Rineholdt, everybody. For “Weekend Update”, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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