Colin Jost
Michael Che
Vaneta Starkie… Aidy Bryant
Wylene Starkie… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]
Colin Jost: Burger King reportedly had it’s best sales in four years because of the new impossible whooper which is made from a meat free, plant based patty. Here to respond, are owners of Smokery Farms Meat Gift delivery service, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie.
[Vaneta and Wylene Starkie come in]
Vaneta Starkie: We’re cousins. We’re cousins.
Colin Jost: Welcome back, guys. Has the impossible burger hurt sales of real meat?
Wylene Starkie: Well, it ain’t helping, Colin. Okay? This computer beef that bleeds like the real thing is killing us.
[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]
Vaneta Starkie: Yes, plus more and more folks are going vegan because they see videos of cute smart animals on videos like new born piglet and Joey’s bath.
Wylene Starkie: Or genius goat blows kisses at grandma.
Vaneta Starkie: But at smoker farms we solved that problem by serving meat from animals that are individually verified to be stupid, bad, rude and talent-free.
Wylene Starkie: Yeah! Now, you want to see the meat gifts, Colin?
[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]
Colin Jost: The meat gifts? No, I’m okay. No! Oh, you brought them.
Wylene Starkie: Oh, yeah. Look at this beautiful bounty.
[Cut to a basket of meat Vaneta and Wylene Starkie have.]
[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]
Vaneta Starkie: This cow chased an old lady into a pond. And she later passed away. Not from that, but it didn’t help. And now, he’s burger.
Wylene Starkie: Now, did you ever hear the duck who befriended a blind boy. Well this is his brother. A duck that ran around with his thing hanging out. You ever see a duck thing, Colin?
[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]
Colin Jost: Duck thing, no I haven’t.
Vaneta Starkie: Oh, it looks like a drain snake. [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] Go ahead and eat his wings and celebrate his demise.
Wylene Starkie: Now, you know, people say that pigs are highly intelligent animals. Capable of puzzles and simple math. Well, we found this one eating turds. Just slopping ‘em up like spaghetti, looking us right in the eye, like, “You like what you see?”
Vaneta Starkie: But hey, if you still feel too sad to eat something with a fuzzy face, take a half step and go pescatarian with our coast taster basket.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]
[They bring a basket of fish in]
Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Oh, yum, look at these dead little swimmers. Oh, Colin, look at that. Look at the sheen on there.
Colin Jost: Yeah! I see the sheen, yeah.
[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]
Wylene Starkie: Well, good, that’s how you know it’s wet.
Vaneta Starkie: And you know our fish got good flavor because it glistens and it stinks.
Wylene Starkie: Hey, listen. Fish are barely animals, okay? They’re stupid and I’ll tell you, they can’t even hug. Like this Alaskan King crab here, who refused to wear a condom because he says it messes with his flow. Now, go ahead and funk his ass in butter and suck the meat out.
Vaneta Starkie: This tender flounder is as flat as he thought the earth was.
Wylene Starkie: Now, this eel, he doesn’t go down. But it expects you to. Now, how does that work? Okay. Now you can eat his whole dang beautiful smelly body with a squeeze of lemon.
Vaneta Starkie: This oyster’s whole body is snot. And if you eat it, he makes you feel frisky.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]
Wylene Starkie: Now, are you feeling frisky, Colin?
Vaneta Starkie: Are we kind of getting you hot over here, Colin?
Colin Jost: No, I actually feel pretty sick.
Wylene Starkie: Yeah, well that’s part of it, sweetheart.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, but none of these stories sound like they’re real.
Wylene Starkie: Oh, well, you a big fish boy, Colin?
Colin Jost: No, no!
Vaneta Starkie: You a cod licker?
Wylene Starkie: You cuckoo for cod, baby?
Vaneta Starkie: How about Michael Che?
[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: It’s so bad even for me.
Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.
[Cut to everybody]
For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
