Mort Fellner… Mikey Day
Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]
Colin Jost: A recent report found the United States has the highest number of super centenarians, people 110 years or older. Here with the latest goings on on the super centenarian community is super centenarian, Mort Fellner.[Mort Fellner joins with papers in his hands]
Mort Fellner: I have papers. I’m a news man like you.
Colin Jost: That’s great, Mort.
Mort Fellner: What?
Colin Jost: That’s great.
Mort Fellner: I thought I’d share some super things that America’s over 700 super centenarians are up to.
Colin Jost: That sounds great.[Cut to Mort Fellner]
Mort Fellner: Okay. 118 year old Edith Farmer has been in the news this week.[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay. What did she do?
Mort Fellner: She passed away Tuesday of natural causes.
Colin Jost: Oh, no. That’s not where I thought that was going.
Mort Fellner: Hey, Colin. How old is too old to skydive?
Colin Jost: You know what? I’m going to say you are never too old to skydive.[Cut to Mort Fellner]
Mort Fellner: Yeah! Well, 116 year old Josie Baits said the same thing.[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Great.
Mort Fellner: Go, Josie. She went to Cloud Town skydiving school on Monday [Cut to Mort Fellner] and ascended to 20,000 feet and kept on going up to heaven. She passed away peacefully on the plane of natural causes.[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Let’s maybe change the subject a little. Are there any fun super centenarian events coming up?
Mort Fellner: Yup! Mark your calendars. Next month’s annual super centenarian prom–
Colin Jost: That’s fun.[Cut to Mort Fellner]
Mort Fellner: — has been canceled following the passing of it’s organizer, 113 year old Rose Dally.[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: More of something that ends on a more pleasant note.
Mort Fellner: How about Showbiz news.
Colin Jost: Great! Yeah!
Mort Fellner: Broadway, meet 114 year old Abner Burton who will join Hamilton next week –[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wow!
Mort Fellner: –when he is laid to rest at Trinity Church Graveyard on Broadway in Lower Manhattan, the final resting place for Alexander Hamilton.
Colin Jost: Yeah. See, it’s actively misleading. All right, more– I’m sorry–
Mort Fellner: Hey, hey.
Colin Jost: Are there any headlines you got there about living super centenarians?[Cut to Mort Fellner]
Mort Fellner: Yeah. Lifelong bachelor, 111 year old Mel Thomas became the country’s oldest newlywed last week when he married 99 year old Ethyl Birmingham–[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Cradle robber, right?
Mort Fellner: — on her death bed, it was.
Colin Jost: Don’t pause.
Mort Fellner: Lastly, [Cut to Mort Fellner] 116 year old Gavin McLaughlin was awarded the 2019 sexiest super centenarian alive award, posthumously.[Cut to Mort Fellner, Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: Mort Fellner, everyone.
Mort Fellner: No! Can I meet Pete?
Colin Jost: No, you can’t. No. Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.