Michael Che: Childish Gambino’s ‘This is America’ made history when it became the first rap song to win song of the year at the Grammy’s. If you’re wondering why it took so long for rap to win this award, it’s cause this is America.
Colin Jost: New York city council member and bounty hunter from the future Rubin Diaz has been criticized after saying that New York city council is controlled by the homosexual community, which is strange criticism coming form a guy who looks like all the villages put together. [The picture changes to an ambulance] New York city lawmakers have also proposed a new law that would change the sound of the emergency vehicle siren to resemble those used in Europe. That way when you can spend your ride in the ambulance pretending you have universal health care.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ryan Adams at the left top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: The FBI is investigating whether Ryan Adams committed crime by engaging in textually explicit communications with a 14 year old fan. Another example of a white musician doing something that [Picture changes to R. Kelly] a black musician did first.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of five democratic centers at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Well, the —
Michael Che: I’ll stand by.
Colin Jost: Yes. Political experts note that the five democratic centers who have announced runs for president have not attacked each other yet because they’re friends. But that will change soon because one sassy bitch didn’t come here to [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] make friends. On Thursday, [Picture changes to Queens city and Amazon’s logo] Amazon announced they were cancelling plans to open a second headquarters in Queens means losing 25,000 new jobs. Even if you hate Amazon and all is it stands for, 25,000 is a lot of jobs. That’s like all the jobs in Greece. And by the way, there are a lot worse companies in New York than Amazon. For example, [Picture changes to the logo of Trump Organization] the Trump Organization. That’s only created like five jobs. Though in fairness, they were for highly unskilled laborers.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Last Call with Carson Daly’s cover photo at the left top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: Carson Daly announced that he will be ending his show ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ after discovering that he was still on TV.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katy Perry’s fashion shoe at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Katy Perry’s fashion line had discontinued a show after criticism that it resembled black face. But I don’t know, it doesn’t even really resemble a shoe. If anyone should be mad about this, it’s Mrs. Potato Head.
Michael Che: That was a good joke.
Colin Jost: Oh thank you. [Picture changes to a fire brigade and a box of Cheese It] A man was arrested after he locked his mother and brother in a house that set fire to it after getting in an argument with them about a box of Cheese Its, which I blame in their new slogan is ‘Cheese It, so good, you’ll murder your family’.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airport at the left top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: The regional airport in South Carolina was shut down for several hours after a woman was found wandering the grounds almost completely naked. Except for her landing strip.