Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Colin Jost: Thank you very much.. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen] President Trump on Friday announced a deal to temporarily reopen the government for three weeks while negotiations continue over border security. Three weeks. We’re basically treating the government like it’s a trial period [The picture changes to Hulu ad] for a Hulu subscription. It’s pretty clear that Trump has not figured out [The picture changes to Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi] how to deal with Nancy Pelosi yet. Usually, when a woman is giving him this much trouble, he just gives her $130,000 to shut up. During a speech at the Rose garden ending the shutdown, Trump said this.
Donald Trump: “We do not need 2,000 miles of concrete wall from sea to shiny sea. We never did.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: Shiny sea? Also, remember when you said this?[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: “We’re going to build the wall. It’s going to be a big fat beautiful wall.”
Colin Jost: Now, that wall sounds awesome. But, tell me more about this new one.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: “The walls we are building are not medieval walls, they are smart walls.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: Walls with brains, got it. Now, someone told me that medieval solutions were actually effective.
Donald Trump: “They say a wall is medieval. Well so is a wheel. A wheel is older than a wall.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: But, it’s president. But just to clarify, we are still calling it a wall, right?[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: “Barriers, fences or wall. Or whatever you want to call it.”
Colin Jost: Honestly, at this point I’d like to call it quits.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump temporarily reopened the government. And I know liberals are tweeting out, “Trump caved”. But y’all got to calm down. Stop gloating. You didn’t win yet. The man is still one tweet away from calling a national state of emergency and bringing back slavery. Act like he’s still crazy. You got to treat him like you’re training a dog. With constant positive reinforcement. Maybe every time he does something you like, tweet out, [The picture changes to a tweet of Donald Trump] “Who’s a good boy?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of LaGuardia airport at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: One of the factors that led to Trump making a deal was the ground delays that were building up at LaGuardia airport. You know you’re failing as a president when you somehow made LaGuardia worse. The ground delays occurred because the shutdown was causing one airline industry unions called, ‘A level of risk we cannot even calculate’. Which also happens to be the slogan for Spirit airlines. [The picture changes to Spirit airlines slogan] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: Roger Stone was arrested at 6AM Friday morning by a team of officers with heavy weapons. Finally. This is all I’ve been waiting for, old white dudes getting dragged out their crib like dope dealers. Was it excessive? Yes. And I wish it was worse. I wish he was just wearing boxers and a durag. I wish there was a baby crying in a tazed his girl, give him the worse.
Colin Jost: That’s right. Long time Trump adviser and business babadook Roger Stone has been charged by the special counsel’s office on seven counts including obstruction, making false statements, witness tampering and I assume the attempted murder of batman. Stone, pictured here as an old woman, being told there’s no more room at bingo, left the courtroom to face a crowd that was booing and chanting, “lock him up”. First of all, it’s always fun to watch a press conference on mute where the captions on and they say, “Crowd booing”. Second, you know how many people have to hate you for them to show up just to boo you in the middle of a work day? They found out you got arrested that morning and they immediately called their office to say, “Yeah, I’m going to be late. I got to head down to the courthouse and yell at steampunk Lincoln”.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: The White House said that the charges against Roger Stone have nothing to do with president Trump. I mean, of course the White House said that because the White is the president. I mean, if I get accused of something, I can’t be like, “Man, I’m innocent, just ask my apartment”. It is kind of strange that everybody Trump’s worked with has been indicted or locked up, except for him. Which tells me he’s either a rat or a jinx. [The picture changes to Roger Stone] By the way, I googled this guy, Roger Stone, because he looks like he pays black guys to bang his wife. And I found out in 1996, he was forced to resigned from Bob Dole’s campaign for asking black guys to bang his wife. I’m not kidding, look it up, it’s fantastic. I know as a black man, I don’t know whether to feel offended or a little appreciated.