Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an article that says ‘Trump tax figures show over $1 billion in business loss’ at left side.]
Well, guys, it turns out that Donald Trump may not be the financial genius that no one ever really thought he was. According to tax documents from 1985 to 1994, Donald Trump appears to have lost “More money than any other American taxpayer”. Now, I love that during that period when he was losing a billion dollars he had the audacity to write a book [The picture changes to Donald Trump’s book ‘ The art of the deal’] about how great he was at business. It’s like if right now R. Kelly wrote a book on baby-sitting.
[The picture changes to Donald trump]
But somehow there are still Trump supporters who are trying to spin this as a good thing. Look at this clip from Fox and Friends.
[Cut to a video clip of Fox News]
Speaker 3: If anything, you read this and you’re like, “Wow, it’s pretty impressive all the things that he’s done in his life.” It’s beyond what most of us could ever achieve.
[Cut to Colin]
Colin Jost: Come on, Blonde lady. Even you don’t believe that. I mean, you said the last part into your hand. It would be like if I said, “Oh, Donald Trump, he’s such a hard-working president.”
[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Trump airlines at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than spirit.
[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Mitch McConnell at top left corner.]
Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, who always looks he’s watching a man slowly drown, he said that the Mueller investigation is over and that democrats should shop endlessly re-litigating the 2016 election. Then he went back to trying to repeal Obamacare for literally the 55th time. Because McConnell always does [Colin covers his mouth with his palm] what’s best for the country.
[The picture changes to Donald Trump JR.]
The republican-led senate intelligence committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. to testify about his meeting with Russian officials. And so that he didn’t feel left out, [The picture changes to Eric and detective Pikachu.] Eric got a subpoena from detective Pikachu.
[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump and China’s country outline at right top corner]
Michael Che: President Trump escalated his trade war with China on Friday. And as a proud father of over 500 pairs of sneakers this really worries me. China makes everything I need to survive. Shoes, hoodies, fake Louis Vuitton, beef and broccoli. Rush hour. Even when I see a tag on something that says made in America, that tag was probably made in China.
[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: President Trump held a rally in the Florida Panhandle this week and it was exactly what you’re imagining.
[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Who’s coming the United States? So these countries put people in a basket like little—who is it? Who is it? Big strong rivers, it’s snake country. You’ve got to like snakes a lot. Young man buttigieg. Boot-edge-edge. They say edge-edge. So, always keep your eyes open. Be careful. And let law enforcement know when you see a Kook.
[Cut to Colin. He is on his phone.]
Hello, Kook squad?
[Colin puts his phone down]
I know that speech didn’t sound very eloquent, but for the Florida Panhandle it was basically Gettysburg address. And if you think that’s harsh about the Panhandle, just listen to this fun exchange about migrants at the border.
[Cut to a clip of Dona’d Trump’s speech]
But how do you stop these people? You can’t. [Someone in the crowd screams “Shoot them”.] There’s not—that’s only in the Panhandle you can get away with that statement.
[Cut to Colin]
Trump’s just like I love you guys in the Panhandle. Y’all murderous snake freaks.
[The picture changes to Melania Trump]
This week marked the first anniversary of Melania Trump’s be best anti-bullying campaign. And if you don’t think it’s going well, you’re a fat idiot who has no friends.
[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of White House honoring ceremony at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump welcomed the Boston Rex Sox to the White House in honor of their world series win. However, most of the team’s black players skipped the ceremony in protest. Said trump, “Perfect.”
[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Cory Booker and a LinkedIn logo at left top corner.] Cory Booker will attend a fund-raiser hosted by the founder of LinkedIn, making Booker the first person to actually accept an invitation [The picture changes to email spam from LinkedIn] from LinkedIn.
