[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]
Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on left top corner.]
After yesterday’s vote approving articles of impeachment, president Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for re-election. Because only democrats could figure out a way to lost twice in the same year.
[Picture changes to Jerrold Nadler]
The judiciary committee chairman Jerrold Nadler, who was accidentally CGI’d to look both like Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro, appealed to republican’s on the committee saying, “When Trumps time is passed, how will you be remembered?” Remembered? I barely know who you are now, and I think you’re my congressman. I hate you break it to you but the only way Americans ever remember a congressman is if he sends someone a picture of his penis. And we only remember that, because his name was [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Weiner.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump set personal record on Thursday when he reacted to impeachment news by posting more than 100 tweets, causing White House officials to ask, “Is everything okay in there, sir?” I don’t get why Trump is so worked up. I mean, it’s still going to take two-thirds of the senate to vote him out of office. And that’s not going to happen, because, well, take a look at the senate. I’d be like if Obama got voted out of office by the Wu-Tang clan.
But look on the bright side, democrats. Now you know, you can cheat. Why are you nerds still playing by the rules? Literally nothing matters anymore. Kamala dropped out, because she ran out of money. Rob a bank! Do you want this or not?
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Manchin on left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Democratic senator Joe Manchin, who wants to you ‘Keep the change, you filthy animal’, said that he’s very much torn about the whether or not he would vote to remove Trump from office. Yeah, based on this photo I really don’t think he’s that torn. If you asked me to draw a Trump supporter from memory, this is what I would draw.
[Picture change sto Donald Trump]
Trump also announced his plan to sign executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both nationality and a race. So, now, if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and George Washington in right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to new poll, 37% of republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president that George Washington. Now, okay. That sounds ridiculous. But then, I remembered George Washington owned slaves, so I guess I would say Trump is better than that? it’s just not a really fair comparison. Like, Colin, Colin. [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che] Okay. Who do you think is a better comedian? You or Bill Cosby?
Colin Jost: Okay. I see to your point. Thanks.
Michael Che: No, no, wait! Don, give me a split screen, please.
Colin Jost: You don’t have to do that.
[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost at the left and Bill Cosby at the right.]
Michael Che: Okay, audience. Who makes you happier? Bill Cosby or Colin Limbaugh Jost. It’s hard to say, right?
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]
Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Greta Thunberg at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: After the cli–
Michael Che: The answer is Bill Cosby, by the way.
[Colin Jost laughts]
Colin Jost: After the climate change activist Greta Thunberg was named time’s person of the year, the Trump campaign posted a picture of Trump’s head pasted on Thunberg’s body. In case anyone wondered that would he look like if Donald Trump got that Al Roker surgery.
