Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. What’s wrong with you? Hey, stop it. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of newspaper titles on left top corner that says ‘Roe V. Wate in jeopardy’]
Well, this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end up somewhere back in the 1970s.[Picture changes to Donald Trump
Amid rising tensions with Iran there were rumors that the White house is now going to send 120 thousand more troops to the middle east but don’t worry, President Trump set the record straight with this firm and reassuring message.
Media: Mr. President are we going to war with Iran?
Donald Trump: Hope not.[Cut to Colin]
Colin Jost: You know it’s up to you, right man? You don’t have to pass off every decision to [Picture changes to John Bolton] John Bolton, the Islamophobic Lorax. And now Lawmakers for both sides of the aisle are demanding more information on what exactly the Iran threat even is. So far the only evidence the administration has provided is this [Picture of Will Smith as genie from the movie Aladdin] disturbing image.[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: China retaliated to president Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products the US sells to China. Wiat, what the hell do we sell to China besides Marvel movies and credit card debt? I’ve never been to China but I have been to Chinatown. And one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they got to do is change one letter and sell a billion Abble watches.[Cut to Colin. There is pictures of Jared Kushnr and Stephen Miller at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump administration’s new immigration plan. What I would not give to be a fly on that wall, watching all the other flies swarm around their master. [Picture changes to moon and a logo of NASA] And in a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has announced it will send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately it’s against her will. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] It’s a plan they’re referring to as ‘Launch Her Up’.[cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alyssa Milano at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. Look, I support that, but I just don’t think the republican senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said, “I’m on sex strike”, they would be like, “Cool, I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me.”