Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘praying app’ at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: The Vatican has released a new app called Click to pray that will allow Catholics around the world to pray with the Pope Francis, replacing the current app for catholic prayers, [The picture changes to Grinder app] Grinder.
Michael Che: Two students at the University of Oklahoma have withdrawn from school after a video was posted online featuring them wearing black face and using the racial slur. What these kids need more than anything is more school, right? I mean, if you hurt somebody in jail, they don’t send you home, they give you more jail. Same idea. Every time these kids do something racist, they should have to spend another year in an even blacker school. They might not like black people after that, but they will be respectful.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of valentines heart shaped candies at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: A company that creates the traditional valentine’s day sweetheart candies has gone out of business and will not make them this year. But they had to know they weren’t going to survive long in the #metoo era with candy that says ‘let’s get busy’, ‘squeeze me’ and then all caps demand for consent. [The picture changes to a heart shaped candy saying ‘Say Yes’]
A volunteer at a zoo [The picture changes to Orangutan] in Ohio had his thumb ripped off by an orangutan. So who loves bananas and had three thumbs? This guy.[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Beer Spa at the right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: A bar in Iceland opened a beer spa, it includes hot tubs filled with beer. The owners came up with the idea when they thought, there has to be faster way to get a yeast infection.
Colin Jost: Lawmakers in the UK have passed the law banning people from taking upskirt pics of people of people without their knowledge. Great news for [Picture of James McAvoy on his monologue wearing a kilt] tonight’s host.