Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett
Susan Collins… Cecily Strong
Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz
Devil… Kate McKinnon
Chris Redd
Chloe Fineman
Jeffrey Epstein… Adam Driver
Bowen Yang
Flo… Heidi Gardner
Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day
Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat
[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]
Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.
[cheers and applause]
I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.
Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”
Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.
Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]
Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?
[Alan Dershowitz walks in]
Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.
[cheers and applause]
Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.
Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.
Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.
[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]
Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.
Mitch McConnell: Alan!
Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.
Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.
Mitch McConnell: Alan!
Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!
Mitch McConnell: Alan?
Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?
Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!
[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere]
[Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]
Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.
[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]
Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?
Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.
Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.
Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!
[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]
This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?
Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?
Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?
[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]
Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.
[starting the podcast]
Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.
Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.
Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.
Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!
Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.
Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.
Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?
Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.
Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.
Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?
Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.
[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]
Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!
[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz]
[Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands]
[cheers and applause]
Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?
Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.
Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.
Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.
Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.
Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!
Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.
[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]
Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.
Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.
[Cut to Bowen]
Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.
[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]
Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.
[Cut to Bowen]
Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.
[Flo walks in]
Flo: Did someone say hell?
[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]
Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.
[Cut to Devil]
Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.
[Cut to Bowen and Flo
Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!
[Mr. Peanut walks in]
Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.
[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]
Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.
Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?
[Cut to Mr. Peanut]
Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.
[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]
Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.
Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?
Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.
[Cut to Devil]
Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?
[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]
Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.
[Cut to Devil]
Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.
[Cut to everybody]
Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing]
[Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]
Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.
Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.
[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]
Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.
[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]
Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!
[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]
Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!
[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]
Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.
[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]
Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!
[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]
Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!
Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?
Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.
[Everyone comes close]
Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!
