Chad in a Haunted Mansion

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Chad… Pete Davidson

Ghost… Adele

[Starts with ‘The Haunted Manor’ intro.] [Cut to a car runs out of gas in the middle of the road in forest. There’s no cellphone reception. The driver looks around. He sees a huge dark mansion by the side, below the glowing full moon. The driver goes in to the castle to ask for help.]

Chad: Hello?

Female voice: Who are you?

Chad: Chad.

Ghost: Welcome, Chad. Why don’t you stay a while.

[all the doors and windows shut close.]

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: Go to the light so I may see you better.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks to the mirror, he sees a woman with glowing eyes behind him]

Ghost: Hello, Chad.

[Chad turns around]

Chad: Wad up?

Ghost: Forgive my appearance. Years ago, I had a little accident.

[Ghost opens her pearl choker, showing her slit throat and it’s bleeding.]

Chad: Oh, no. Your neck.

Ghost: Yes. I’m afraid it’s quite a gash.

Chad: Ha-ha. Gash.

Ghost: You’re not afraid?

Chad: Nah.

Ghost: Follow me. There’s something I want to show you.

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: They all said that my death was suicide, that I slit my own throat.

Chad: Oh, no.

Ghost: But it wasn’t suicide, Chad. [screaming] It was Murder! [Ghost looks around to see if Chad’s scared, but he is not there.] Chad?

Chad: I’m taking a piss. [farts] Safety.

[Chad walks out]

Ghost: As I was saying, I was murdered by my husband and the proof is in there.

Chad: Okay.

[They walk inside the library]

Ghost: Ah, the library. Oh, how I love to read. Do you have a favorite book, Chad?

Chad: “Where’s Waldo”, the yellow one.

Ghost: I’m not familiar. Who’s the author?

Chad: Waldo.

Ghost: There on the desk, you’ll find a letter from my husband. [Chad looks at the letter. It’s dark, so he is holding a candle to read it.] Read it. That letter is more dear to me than you know. As you can see that clearly proves that my husband murdered me for my inheritance and when the public reads it the truth will be known and I can finally cross over to the after life. [Chad has already burned the letter by his clumsiness.]

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks around. He sees a painting of Ghost and her husband]

Ghost: I see you’re looking at my portrait. Tell me, Chad, what do you see?

Chad: Tig old bitties.

Ghost: I see a woman trapped in loveless marriage. Even now I yearn to feel the tender kiss of true love. [Chad leans towards her to kiss her. He falls down. A medieval knight armor falls on him.] Oh my god. Chad, are you okay?

Chad: Yeah.

Ghost: Good. Now go make my truth be known. But be warned, [Ghost showing her scary face] if you fail me, I will be most displeased.

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: And Chad, thank you.

Chad: No doubt.

[Chad just walks through the bookshelf. Ghost is surprised. She looks around and finds Chad dead below the medieval knight armour.]

Ghost: Ah! For god sake!

 

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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