Chad & RuPaul

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RuPaul

Dante… Mikey Day

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with RuPaul posing for photo shoot]

Dante: [taking pictures] Oh, just like that. Switch it up. Oh! Ah! Yes! Oh, gorgeous girl.

RuPaul: Hold on! Dante, can we stop?

Dante: What’s wrong, Ru? You look gorgeous.

RuPaul: I know I do. But, me on another cover of Drag magazine? I mean, it’s redundant!

Dante: Who else would it be, girl? You are Drag!

RuPaul: I mean, that’s the problem. Where is the next generation? Drag needs someone new. Someone like… [looks away] Like that. Who are you?

[Cut to Chad carrying a reflection board.]

Chad: Chad!

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Everyone, take five! Leave me with the future of Drag.

Dante: Okay. Um, I guess we’re taking five.

[Everybody leaves except RuPaul and Chad] [RuPaul walks to Chad]

RuPaul: Um, that face! Those cheekbones! These eyes. There’s something dynamic about you boy!

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Have you ever done drag?

Chad: Nah! Just weed and pills.

RuPaul: There’s a queen inside of you, Chad. All she needs is a crown. Get my jest?

Chad: Ha-ha, jest.

RuPaul: Time to get you work, bitch! Let’s go. Step one, the tuck. No bulge, no bump. The junk goes in the trunk.

[Chad walks out wearing nothing but a white underwear.]

Oh, Chad! You need to tape it down and back. Not up and front.

Chad: Oh, my bad!

RuPaul: That said, you have a magnificent penis.

Chad: Oh, thank you.

RuPaul: Step two, the look.

[Chad walking wearing women’s dress]

Oh! How do you feel?

Chad: Gay!

RuPaul: Perfect! Now, the look is incomplete without the–

[Chad is shaking the breast part of the dress.]

Chad! Leave the chicken cutlets alone, child! You gonna pop your tug!

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Now, Chad! We need to beat–

Chad: Off?

RuPaul: Chad, we need to beat your face. For the gods! Step three, the face.

[Cut to RuPaul putting some make up on Chad. Chad is wearing fake breasts.]

May I?

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Oh, that is definitely your color, Chad! Now, pop your lips like you’re about to kiss.

[Chad pouts and then starts sticking his tongue out]

Wow! Wow! Wow! Chad, darling! I’m a married man.

Chad: You’re a man?

RuPaul: Did you not know that?

Chad: No.

RuPaul: Huh! The look is only half the battle. Now, you need to own it. Baby, it is time to feel the fantasy, like this.

[RuPaul posing with glamour]

Hah! Now, you’re turn, Chad!

[Cut to Chad all looking like a woman]

Find a song that speaks to the new you. You know, the queen that you really are. The time has come for you to lipsync for your life!

Chad: Okay!

[RuPaul leaves the stage and Dante goes up.] [Chad starts dancing awkwardly in hiphop beat]

RuPaul: Work it girl! Oh, you gonna do that? Ha-ha! I love it! Oh! You’re goddess. You’re perfection! 10. 10’s across the board. Now, let me see you sissy that wob.

[Chad falls on the table]

Oh, [bleep] ! Oh, my goodness! Are you okay, Chad?

Chad: All good.

RuPaul: Chad, no, that wasn’t good, honey. Look, I can mold you into the next RuPaul and if you wanna be the best, you gotta be willing to work your padded ass off! So, I’ll ask you one more time, Chad. Do you want to be the greatest Drag Queen in the world?

Chad: Nah!

RuPaul: Then you should turn and walk away.

Chad: Okay! Bye RuPaul.

[Chad walks away] [Cut to RuPaul. Dante walks in.]

Dante: Should I go–

RuPaul: Shh! Some horses were born to run wild!

[Cut to Drag magazine with Chad on it’s cover page.] [The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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