Chris Rock Stand-Up Monologue

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Chris Rock

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock.

[Chris Rock walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chris Rock: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Okay, before we even get started, let’s– Hey, the elephant in the room, president Trump’s in a hospital from COVID and I just wanna say my heart goes out to COVID. This is a special show. This show is quite different than every other show. There are so many protocols. Everybody in this audience has been checked. And all week, I’ve had things going up my nose, everyday I come in here. I haven’t had so much stuff up my nose since I shared a dressing room with Chris Farley. Hey, I gotta say, the audience, this floor right here are first res– What are they? The first responders. All the audience right here. [cheers and applause] Everybody here, they’re first responders. They’re so good, we let people die tonight so they can see a good show. Okay?

Now, you know, everything– The world is insane right now. But one thing we can agree upon, COVID has ruined our plans. We all used to have plans before COVID. Remember, we used to have plans and stuff, man? My sister was getting married, man! I paid Bell Biv DeVoe $80,000, man. And I can’t get it back. I had tickets to Coachella, man. I know 200,000 Americans are dead, but I’m not seeing Rage Against The Machine this year, man. That is travesty. Now, one thing I’ve noticed about this whole pandemic, people are reassessing their relationships. That’s the big thing. Taking inventory. You know, a lot of break ups, a lot of divorces, and a lot of renegotiations. Couples stay together but they’re like, “Okay, we’re going to stay together, but I’m telling you exactly what I don’t like about you right now. We gonna keep this going. You gonna have to change some stuff, okay?”

And it’s weird we doing that with our relationships, all of us are doing that with our relationships, but I think we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government. You know? It’s like– Yeah, we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government. Does it work? I mean I think Joe Biden should be the last president ever. Like, we need a whole new system. Okay? I mean, do we even need a ‘president’ president? Or just figure out a new way to do the job? I mean, what job do you have for four years no matter what? Just show me one job. Like, if you hired a cook, and he was making people vomit everyday, do you sit there and go, “Well, he’s got a four year deal. We just got to vomit for four more years.” I mean, to be the president of the United States, all you have to be is 35 and born in United States. So, if anybody can be the president, then anybody can be the president, man. That’s how we got in this predicament. You know what I mean? I mean there should be some rules to being the president. You realize there’s more rules to a game show than running for president? Like, Donald Trump left a game show to run for president because it was easier. That’s right. There’s rules to be one Jeopardy. You can’t just jump on Jeopardy. You can’t throw your son on Jeopardy, or your son-in-law. Steve Harvey can’t put his family on Family Feud. It’s real scrutiny, man. And do the democrats even want to win? Do they even want to win? Trump, he runs against– The democrats just keep putting up 75 year old people to run against Trump. Now, hey, one thing we can say about Trump. He got the most energy of any 75 year old person on a face on the earth. Even Mick Jagger’s is like, “Slow down, Donald.” Trump is like a dominant female boxer. He’s like Ronda Rousey. You’re like, “God dammit, she can fight.” And then you go, “Oh, she hitting girls.”

I don’t know. We gotta figure out our whole relationship. We gotta renegotiate our relationship to the government. The senate and the congress doesn’t work? No, it doesn’t freaking work, man. It doesn’t work. Why doesn’t it work? Coz they need freaking term limits, okay? We’ve agreed in the United States that we cannot have kings, yet we have dukes and duchesses running the senate and congress making decisions for poor people. That’s right. [applause] Rich people making decisions for poor people. That’s like your handsome friend giving you dating advice.  “Well, I think you should go over there and grab her by the ass and tell her it’s your’s.” “Yeah, that works for you, Idris.”

Hey, we’ve got to take this serious. We got to get out there. We got to vote. But they don’t want us to vote. The government does not want you to vote. Why do I know they don’t want you to vote? Because election day is Tuesday in November. Why? Anybody here ever put something on a Tuesday in November? Does anybody get married on a Tuesday in November? Church ain’t on a Tuesday. Even Jesus avoids Tuesday. If this show was Tuesday Night Live, it would have got canceled in 1975. I mean, that’s why we’ve got to vote, man. And we’ve got to take it serious. We’ve got to take it serious. I watch–

The republicans take it serious. You watch FOX News, Shawn Hannity’s mean. Everyday! He’s looking you in the camera, he’s telling you it’s the end of the world. “Listen to me!” And every time I see Anderson Cooper, he’s with Andy Cohen on New Year’s eve blowing a kazoo, drinking rosay, it’s like, “Of course they believe Shawn.” What do you expect? Walter Cronkite was the most respected man in news. You know why? Coz we never saw him shorts, okay? But we got to take this serious, man. We got to take the whole government serious. We got to take the whole, this whole, everything going on right now, we can lick this. We can beat this if we all work together. James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is face can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it’s faced.” Okay? Right?

We got a great show for you tonight. Megan Thee Stallion is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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