Mike Pence… Beck Bennett
Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson
Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen
Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon
Joe Biden… John Mulaney
Bernie Sanders… Larry David
Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost
Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch
[Starts with Mike Pence speaking at the White House press conference]Mike Pence: Thank you all for coming. I’m vice president Mike Pence. [cheers and applause] Most of you know me from the “Even if Trump was removed, we’d still be stuck with Mike Pence.” President Trump as put me in charge of the corona virus even though I don’t believe in [hand gesture quoting] science. And I have to admit this disease has been quite a test of my faith just like dinosaur bones or Timothee Chalamet. But I’m prepared for the challenge. We’ve assembled a very experienced team of some of the best people left in government. Led by one of the most brilliant minds in medicine, Dr. Ben Carson.
Ben Carson: Hello. Hello. I’m Ben Carson. You know, the brain surgeon they put in charge of house development. Well, this is something I actually do know about and rest assured in my expert opinion it’s gonna be bad.
Mike Pence: Oh, Ben don’t say that. I asked you here to put people at ease and educate them about the virus.
Ben Carson: Oh! Okie dokie okie. So, here’s what we know so far. It looks like this. [showing a picture of Disney’s Stitch] As you can see from his sharp teeth, he’s a nasty little thing. He’ll bit you.
Mike Pence: Oh, ha-ha, but don’t panic. There are still simple precautions that we can all take like covering your mouth when you cough and as always closing your eyes during intercourse.
Ben Carson: Also, we suggest getting these wonderful ‘Make America Great Again’ masks from the White House website. It may take a couple of months for delivery because they are made in Wuhan, China.
Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you Dr. Carson
Ben Carson: Oh, it’s bad.
Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you. Thank you. The important thing is that now is the time for unity and not the time to politicize this issue. So, let’s take some questions.
[Michael Bloomberg in the press section asks question]Michael Bloomberg: Yes Mike, Bloomberg. [cheers and applause] Bloomberg news. I have a question.
Mike Pence: What are you doing here? How did you get pass security?
Michael Bloomberg: Well, I just walked in coughing and everybody got out of my way. My question is doesn’t it seem like a good time to have a president who’s competent and capable? Even if that candidate lacks charisma or ability to connect with human beings?
Mike Pence: Mr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, I’m not sure that I understand your question.
Michael Bloomberg: Okay, let me say it for you in Spanish. [speaking in Spanish language] Am I correcto?
[Elizabeth Warren stands from behind the podium]Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I got a question for you Michael Bloomberg. [cheers and applause]
Michael Bloomberg: Senator Warren, what are you doing here?
Elizabeth Warren: Did you really think you’re going to get away from me? It’s my job now. I follow you around, make your life a living hell. I might be fifth in the polls but I’m number one in your nightmares, Mike.
[Joe Biden walks in.]Joe Biden: Speaking of number one, guess who just kicked butt? [cheers and applause] Guess who just kicked butt in South crackle-barrel?
Mike Pence: Joe Biden? You look different.
Joe Biden: Yeah. The surgery has starting to settle. Now listen folks, if we want to fight Chin cough, we got to be smart. We got to make sure to get new teeth daily. Now, here’s an honest to goodness true story based loosely on fake events. The year was 19-ricky-ticky-tabby. And me and Nelson Mandela were palling around South Africa, green book style. WE have one elephant between us and who do we run into but the ebola monkey. And weird story longer, I wrestled that sucker to mercy. Beep-bap-beep. That’s how I convinced Mandela that why he was okay.
[Bernie Sanders in the press section talks]Bernie Sanders: Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait a second. Hey, what about me possibly winning the nomination, huh? You gotta admit folks, universal health care doesn’t sound too crazy now, does it?
Mike Pence: Bernie, this is not the time to politicize this issue.
Bernie Sanders: Hey, I’m having the best week of my freaking life. I had a little set back in South Carolina but I’m heading the other polls. Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts. And best of all, nobody wants to come near me. Much less touch me. I’m in heaven.
Michael Bloomberg: can I speak?
Elizabeth Warren: Hey, sure. Why don’t you start telling us what’s in that NDA?
Michael Bloomberg: Well, I keep telling you it’s nothing. It’s just– I made a little joke to a female employee and she didn’t like it.
Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. What was the joke?
Michael Bloomberg: Alright. Knock, knock.
Elizabeth Warren: Who’s there?
Michael Bloomberg: It’s your boss Mike. Listen, get rid of that baby.
Elizabeth Warren: Oh my god!
Michael Bloomberg: But didn’t you get it?
Mike Pence: [awkwardly] Okay. Why don’t I take a question from a real reporter? You, sir.
[Pete Buttigieg in the press section speaks]Pete Buttigieg: Yes. [cheers and applause] Hi, I’m actually a mayor Pete Buttigieg. I’m a a candidate too, for the next three days.
[Amy Klobuchar walks in]Amy Klobuchar: Back off, Buttigieg. [cheers and applause]
Pete Buttigieg: Amy Klobuchar.
Amy Klobuchar: Yeah. The whole moderate from the mid-west stick is mine. So, stay out of my center lane, bitch. I am from Minnesota so I will cut you… in line at Target, son.
Pete Buttigieg: I’m sorry. Son? Don’t treat me like a child. I was mayor.
Amy Klobuchar: Aw! Yes you were. Here. [Amy Klobuchar puts some spit on her thumb and wipes something off Amy Klobuchar’s face with it.] You got a little something there. It’s my spit!
Elizabeth Warren: Look, look, I just want to say two things, America. Number one, we need someone who can handle this, that we can trust. Mayor Bloomberg supports George W. Bush. He supported Lindsey Graham. He funded SARS. He invented traffic. He was responsible for McDonald’s serving spaghetti. he wrote and directed the movie ‘Cats.’ He dumps your bags in the ocean from cargo hold on Spirit Airlines. This is a bad man. Use Purell.
[Bernie Sanders walks to the stage]Bernie Sanders: No, no, no. No, no, no. No Purell. I got a bottle of that junk and on the label, it says it kills 99.99% germs. What happens to the top 0.01%? Why are we protecting them? I say enough with the potions. Just use good old fashioned bar soap and scalding hot water. I might get in trouble for saying this. But you know who was great at washing his hands? Joseph Stalin. Just saying. Just saying.
Amy Klobuchar: Look. Look. I am not afraid of a little cough. I announce my campaign in a snow storm. I mean, that was insane. A snow storm. Who would do that? I am in it to win it, baby. Ha-ha. I don’t know when to quit. And that might be a problem.
Pete Buttigieg: Can I just mention? I’m the only candidate up here who’s not gonna lose.
Amy Klobuchar: To Trump?
Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no. To the corona virus. You know, you’re all in very high risk demographics.
Bernie Sanders: You wanna talk high risk? I have it on good authority and Pete Buttigieg is a hand cougher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He coughs right into the hand. Not the elbow which we can all agree is not perfect, but it’s at least something. America doesn’t need a hand cougher. They need a president who is old enough to know Typhoid Mary. And one other thing and this goes for all of you.
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
