Daniel Craig James Bond Monologue

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Daniel Craig

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Craig.

[Daniel Craig walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Daniel Craig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is lovely to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I hosted the show eight years ago. And my life is very different now. I moved to New York. So, when people say to me where Brooklyn at, I can actually tell them where it is. It’s over the Brooklyn bridge or the Manhattan bridge, just depending on the traffic.

Now, everyone assumes that because I played James Bond, I’m this, very suave sophisticated guy. Well, I have to admit. I kind of am. I mean, I’m James Bond. I know English people as supposed to be sort of humble. You know, they’re like, “Oh, I’m just a nerd.” You know? I’m not a nerd. You’re a nerd. Now, this next James Bond film is gonna be my last. But, it’s gonna be one of the best. Because we got Phoebe Waller-Bridge from “Fleabag” to help with some of the dialog. It’s not gonna be that different, but every so often, I will turn to the camera and I will say, “My name’s Bond. James Bond.” Is it bad that i fancy the pope?

Now, you also may have heard the release of the film has been delayed due to public health and so. But there’s this scene that’s my favorite. And you know, the producers are being kind enough to let me show it tonight. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to sneak peek of “No Time to Die: 007”] [James Bond walks in a craps game in a casino near Chloe. They’re all dressed very well.]

Craps. [whispering in Chloe’s ear] I always thought your game was stealing state’s secret.

Chloe: [with accent] Hmm, whatever you want from me, James. The odds are not in your favor.

James Bond: Well, maybe I’ll be lucky.

[James Bond shows the dice to Chloe. Chloe blows on them.]

Now, where’s your boss?

[James Bond throws the dice] [James Bond and Chloe and looking at each other.]

Dealer: Seven. Winner.

James Bond: Really? Ha-ha. I just rolled a seven.

Chloe: What makes you think you can stop him?

James Bond: Oh, that’s simple, my darling. [throws the dice] I’m double-O…

Dealer: Seven.

James Bond: I can’t really– Not just once!

Dealer: High hand at the table, folks. Place your bets.

[a drunk couple joins the table]

Heidi: [to James Bond] Keep it up, tuxedo. My ass in the hole, you gotta dig me out.

Beck: I put big money down here, alright. Don’t lost em’. My wife’s gonna kill me. Ha! Who cares? Right? It’s my money. Right?

James Bond: Wow-wow-wow! What do I do now? What do I do now?

Old lady: Roll an eight for this old bean bag, would you?

James Bond: Okay. I can’t believe. My heart is beating so fast. This is just like– Okay, give me an eight. Give me an eight. Give me an eight.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Six-two. Easy eight.

Old lady: This slime is rolling hot bones tongiht.

[Kenan walks in near James Bond]

Kenan: You sir. You. You, sir. You. Sir, you, you.

James Bond: I don’t know why. I never play craps. It’s so exciting. So- I- Okay. What do I do now?

Chloe: That depends. What you about–

[Heidi interrupts Chloe]

Heidi: Another game now. Right now, it’s don’t roll seven.

James Bond: Okay. Got it. Got it. Waitress, waitress, can I get a vodka-martini. Shake it– Oh, you know what? No. Can I get a vodka and Redbull, pine glass please. Thank you. No seven. No seven.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: We got a six.

All: Oh!

Kenan: This guy! This!

Beck: Let’s go. Let’s put all our chips on hard four.

James Bond: Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Hard four. Hard four.

[Chloe moves near James Bond]

Chloe: James, perhaps we should move this discussion into my suite.

James Bond: Okay, I’ll meet you up then. If I roll a hard four, you’re all gonna call me Simba because I am the king of the jungle.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Two and two, make four the hard way.

[everybody cheering]

James Bond: [shouting] Yo! Yo! What my name is?

All: Simba! [Chloe is bored and embarrassed.] [James Bond drinks his vodka with Redbull.]

Chloe: [in James Bond’s ear] My boss is in the Knezevic, Iceland. That is where specter is located.

James Bond: Cool. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I’m buzzed.

[everybody cheering]

Okay, okay, what do I want now?

Kenan: Snake eyes.

James Bond: Oh, you don’t deserve snake eyes.

All: Oh, please!

James Bond: Okay, okay, okay. Then work for it, bitches!

[the old woman walks to James Bond and shows him her breasts]

Old lady: Hey, why don’t you take a look at these old snake eyes?

James Bond: Oh! This got you snake eyes.

All: Yay!

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: It seems Mr. Bond, your luck [points a gun at James Bond] has run out.

Chloe: He’s a specter agent.

[in no time, James Bond shoots at the dealer on his chest.]

Dealer: Well played, Bond.

James Bond: Everyone alright?

Kenan: Yeah. Specially since you just rolled snake eyes!

All: Yay!

[James Bond starts shooting on the ceiling out of excitement.] [Cut back to Daniel Craig in SNL monologue set.]

Daniel Craig: We have got a great show. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Kenan jumps in]

Kenan: This guy. Him. Him, y’all!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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