Aiden… Aidy Bryant
Kurt… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a video bumper]
Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.
[Cut to two guys]
Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..
Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.
Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.
Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.
Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.
Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.
Aiden: 6 PM.
Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.
Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.
Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.
Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.
Kurt: 6:45.
Aiden: Limo time.
Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.
Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.
Kurt: 7:23.
Aiden: We enter the dance.
Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.
Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.
Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.
Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]
Kurt: And like this.
Aiden: Probably some of this.
Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]
Aiden: 10:15.
Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.
Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.
Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.
Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.
Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.
Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.
Both: I love you, Brigitte.
Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.
