Don Pauly

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Joey… Pete Davidson

Don Pauly… Bill Burr

Mikey Day

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

Johnny… Alex Moffat

Nicky… Beck Bennett

Glar … Punkie Johnson

[Starts with a group of mean having a meeting at a restaurant]

Joey: Before we get down to business, how about a welcome home after Don Pauly0 years in the joint for Don Pauly? Salute.

All: [raising their glasses] Salute.

Don Pauly: You know, as I look around this room, I see what used to be the most ruthless, powerful crime family in this city.

Joey: Damn right.

Don Pauly: Shut up! I said used to be. Coz that sure is hell ain’t what it is now. What happened to this gang? We used to own this city. I go away Don Pauly0 years, and all of a sudden now there’s friggin Mexicans controlling the neighborhood?

Mikey: Um, okay.

Don Pauly: What? What? Did I say something wrong?

Mikey: No disrespect, Don Pauly, we all get your point. I just think it’s a little weird that you made it so– I don’t know.

Vinny: Racial.

Mikey: Yes. Thank you. One person.

Don Pauly: [looking confused] What do you mean racial? Vinny, the Diablos control all the drugs in the neighborhood, do they not?

Vinny: Yeah, they do. They do.

Don Pauly: Okay. And the last I checked, the Diablos are friggin Mexicans. Are they not?

Mikey: And he’s doubling down. Great!

Joey: Oh, hoof!

Don Pauly: Joey, you got a problem with what I’m saying here? Hah? We’re losing money over here.

Joey: We understand your point, Don Pauly. But with all due respect, your choice of words to some people may seem a little, I don’t know, outdated.

Don Pauly: My choice of words? Is this a joke? Hah? Is there a hidden video around? Is Jamey Kennedy around here somewhere gonna film me?

Vinny: Jamey Kennedy?

Mikey: Who’s Jamey Kennedy?

Don Pauly: Jamey Kennedy, the king of the pranks. He got the TV show, he pranks people.

Joey: Oh, you mean Aston Kutcher.

Johnny: No, Kutcher was Punk’d.

Don Pauly: Just forget it. Just forget it. Am I losing my freaking mind over here? I mean, Nicky the nose, you tell me if I’m going nuts, right? You’d tell me?

Nicky: Hey, Don Pauly, you know I don’t mean no disrespect to you but I just go by Nicky now.

Don Pauly: What? You’ve been Nicky the nose since we were kids.

Mikey: Yeah. We don’t get people nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore. That’s called shaming.

Nicky: It didn’t feel too great sometimes.

Mikey: See, Don Pauly, your words have… I don’t know.

Vinny: Power.

Mikey: Yes, thank you.

Don Pauly: I can’t believe my friggin ears. I mean, are we still gangsters here? We still in the friggin mob over here?

Joey: Of course, we are, Don Pauly. But all that’s changed in the last Don Pauly0 years.

Don Pauly: No kidding. This gang didn’t use to be filled with a bunch of queers.

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Johnny: Easy, Don Pauly. No disrespect, but as someone who identifies a queer, I take a little exception to that last comment of your’s.

Don Pauly: What?

Johnny: So, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna take a mental health day and I’m gonna work from home now.

Joey: Of course, Johnny. God bless.

All: Salute.

Don Pauly: Wow, wow, wow. What the hell was that all about?

Joey: Don Pauly, you gotta understand. Johnny is sensitive.

Don Pauly: Sensitive? He’s a freaking murderer.

Mikey: Ay, they’re a friggin murderer.

Don Pauly: Jesus! I mean, what happened to you people, huh?

Glar: Wow, wow, wow. You people? With all due respect, Don Pauly, what do you mean by ‘you people’?

Don Pauly: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute. Who’s the black chic? hah?

Joey: Um, the woman of color you’re referring to is Glar. She’s a capo.

Don Pauly: Of this gang? How the hell did that happen?

Vinny: We got slammed pretty hard on Twitter for our lack of diversity.

Nicky: Yeah. You remember the #MafiaSoWhite?

Don Pauly: Oh, god, you should be friggin kidding me.

Glar: Look, Don Pauly, representation is very important even in crime. Besides, I’m more capable and dangerous than CIS black white male gangster here.

Don Pauly: Oh, really? Okay. Then shoot Vinny.

Vinny: With all due respect, Don Pauly, that’s not how we– [Glar shoots at Vinny] Ah!

Don Pauly: Wow! Get over here. That’s what I’m talking about. Alright. Let me welcome you officially to the club.

[Don Pauly and Glar walk to each other. Don Pauly leans towards Glar.]

Glar: Hey! Did this guy just try to friggin kiss me?

Nicky: Without consent?

Joey: In a pandemic?

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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