Joey… Pete Davidson
Don Pauly… Bill Burr
Vinny… Kyle Mooney
Johnny… Alex Moffat
Nicky… Beck Bennett
Glar … Punkie Johnson[Starts with a group of mean having a meeting at a restaurant]
Joey: Before we get down to business, how about a welcome home after Don Pauly0 years in the joint for Don Pauly? Salute.
All: [raising their glasses] Salute.
Don Pauly: You know, as I look around this room, I see what used to be the most ruthless, powerful crime family in this city.
Joey: Damn right.
Don Pauly: Shut up! I said used to be. Coz that sure is hell ain’t what it is now. What happened to this gang? We used to own this city. I go away Don Pauly0 years, and all of a sudden now there’s friggin Mexicans controlling the neighborhood?
Mikey: Um, okay.
Don Pauly: What? What? Did I say something wrong?
Mikey: No disrespect, Don Pauly, we all get your point. I just think it’s a little weird that you made it so– I don’t know.
Mikey: Yes. Thank you. One person.
Don Pauly: [looking confused] What do you mean racial? Vinny, the Diablos control all the drugs in the neighborhood, do they not?
Vinny: Yeah, they do. They do.
Don Pauly: Okay. And the last I checked, the Diablos are friggin Mexicans. Are they not?
Mikey: And he’s doubling down. Great!
Joey: Oh, hoof!
Don Pauly: Joey, you got a problem with what I’m saying here? Hah? We’re losing money over here.
Joey: We understand your point, Don Pauly. But with all due respect, your choice of words to some people may seem a little, I don’t know, outdated.
Don Pauly: My choice of words? Is this a joke? Hah? Is there a hidden video around? Is Jamey Kennedy around here somewhere gonna film me?
Vinny: Jamey Kennedy?
Mikey: Who’s Jamey Kennedy?
Don Pauly: Jamey Kennedy, the king of the pranks. He got the TV show, he pranks people.
Joey: Oh, you mean Aston Kutcher.
Johnny: No, Kutcher was Punk’d.
Don Pauly: Just forget it. Just forget it. Am I losing my freaking mind over here? I mean, Nicky the nose, you tell me if I’m going nuts, right? You’d tell me?
Nicky: Hey, Don Pauly, you know I don’t mean no disrespect to you but I just go by Nicky now.
Don Pauly: What? You’ve been Nicky the nose since we were kids.
Mikey: Yeah. We don’t get people nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore. That’s called shaming.
Nicky: It didn’t feel too great sometimes.
Mikey: See, Don Pauly, your words have… I don’t know.
Mikey: Yes, thank you.
Don Pauly: I can’t believe my friggin ears. I mean, are we still gangsters here? We still in the friggin mob over here?
Joey: Of course, we are, Don Pauly. But all that’s changed in the last Don Pauly0 years.
Don Pauly: No kidding. This gang didn’t use to be filled with a bunch of queers.
Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?
Johnny: Easy, Don Pauly. No disrespect, but as someone who identifies a queer, I take a little exception to that last comment of your’s.
Don Pauly: What?
Johnny: So, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna take a mental health day and I’m gonna work from home now.
Joey: Of course, Johnny. God bless.
Don Pauly: Wow, wow, wow. What the hell was that all about?
Joey: Don Pauly, you gotta understand. Johnny is sensitive.
Don Pauly: Sensitive? He’s a freaking murderer.
Mikey: Ay, they’re a friggin murderer.
Don Pauly: Jesus! I mean, what happened to you people, huh?
Glar: Wow, wow, wow. You people? With all due respect, Don Pauly, what do you mean by ‘you people’?
Don Pauly: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute. Who’s the black chic? hah?
Joey: Um, the woman of color you’re referring to is Glar. She’s a capo.
Don Pauly: Of this gang? How the hell did that happen?
Vinny: We got slammed pretty hard on Twitter for our lack of diversity.
Nicky: Yeah. You remember the #MafiaSoWhite?
Don Pauly: Oh, god, you should be friggin kidding me.
Glar: Look, Don Pauly, representation is very important even in crime. Besides, I’m more capable and dangerous than CIS black white male gangster here.
Don Pauly: Oh, really? Okay. Then shoot Vinny.
Vinny: With all due respect, Don Pauly, that’s not how we– [Glar shoots at Vinny] Ah!
Don Pauly: Wow! Get over here. That’s what I’m talking about. Alright. Let me welcome you officially to the club.[Don Pauly and Glar walk to each other. Don Pauly leans towards Glar.]
Glar: Hey! Did this guy just try to friggin kiss me?
Nicky: Without consent?
Joey: In a pandemic?
Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?