Elsa… Kate McKinnon
Anna… Cecily Strong
Kristoff… JJ Watt
Yucob… Kyle Mooney
Yogan… Beck Bennett
Latayas… Kenan Thompson
Olaf… Mikey Day
[Starts with an announcement]
Male voice: It’s official, Frozon II is coming to digital HD next week. So, you can play it for you kids while you drink a margarita in the bathroom. And you can also order the Frozen II DVD including deleted scenes like this one.
[Cut to Elsa walking in a red forest]
Elsa: Hello. Is anyone there? Anna? Kristoff? Olaf? I’m gay? Is anyone there?
[Anna runs in]
Anna: Elsa!
Elsa: Anna!
Anna: I heard you calling. This enchanted forest is so disorienting.
Elsa: It sure is. I don’t know whether we’re heading north, south, gay or west.
Anna: Did you say gay?
Elsa: No! I’m not anything. You have a fulfilling heterosexual marriage at the age of eighteen and I had to spend two whole movies playing with snow. Both are equal and good. And then, in Frozen III, I can just, freeze my ex.
Anna: Elsa, it’s okay. You see…
[music playing]
[sinigng] We all know, we all know
we’ve all known since you were a twin
when you dressed as Brian of Tarth
on three separate Halloweens
I don’t care, what Disney says
the twitter storm rages on
Elsa: The lack of any romantic interest doesn’t bother me anyway.
Male voice: Whoa! I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. If Elsa’s gay, she can turn my son gay, right? With her powers. Anyway, check out this next scene featuring a new original song.
[Cut to Kristoff walking with reindeer.]
Kristoff: Anna! Elsa!
[Cut to Elsa and Anna]
Anna: Oh, Kristoff. You’re okay?
[Cut to Kristoff]
Kristoff: Physically, yes. Mentally, still not great. This reindeer is my best friend.
[Cut to Anna walking to Kristoff]
Anna: Oh! My big strong hot shrek. You know what I love most about you, Kristoff?
Kristoff: That I’m poor so you can control me?
Anna: No. No, it’s that your sensitive. Sing your original new song for us, won’t you?
Kristoff: Anything for you, my love.
[music playing]
Kristoff: [singing] Big and woke
Big and woke
I am humongous sensitive of
Anna: A new kind of prince who’s not a creep
Kristoff: I won’t kiss you while you’re asleep
[Cut to Elsa]
Elsa: He’s not a bro but he’s not a cock
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]
Anna: He’s gentle at first but he really can…
Male voice: Okay! Gonna cut that off a little early. Don’t think anyone screen these deleted scenes. But hey, let’s see how they dealt with the criticism that Frozen was too white.
[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]
Yucob: Halt! We’re the King’s guards.
Yogan: We’ve been trapped in this forest under an evil spell.
[Latayas walks in]
Latayas: That’s right. And we will protect the king at all costs.
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]
Anna: I’m sorry sir, and you are?
[Cut to the King’s guards]
Latayas: Latayas. Lieutenant in the royal guard.
Yogan: And I’m Yogan.
Yucob: And I’m Yucob. At your service.
[Cut to Elsa]
Elsa: Yes, you two make sens. I’m trying to wrap my head around Latayas. You live here?
[Cut to Latayas]
Latayas: Norway, in 1840, that’s correct.
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]
Anna: And who do you live with?
[Cut to Latayas]
Latayas: No one. All alone. In Norway. Not shoe-horned in any way.
[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]
Yogan: Oh sure, but when I auditioned to be in Black Panther army, that was a firm no.
[music playing]
[Cut to Latayas]
Latayas: [singing] How do you solve a problem like Latayas?
[Cut to Elsa]
Elsa: How do you make it seem like this makes sense?
[Cut to Latayas]
Latayas: Why would I come to Scandinavia?
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff. Kristoff walks to Latayas]
Kristoff: At least we made this Frozen world diverse.
Latayas: Oh, yeah! It’s a real rainbow of colors now.
Male voice: Problem solved! And hey, see if you can spot how the animators redesigned one of the most iconic Frozen characters.
[Cut to Elsa]
Elsa: Guys, we need to keep moving. I’m supposed to ride a water-horse to an ice island to free a fire spirit or something. I think the part of this movie might be really bad.
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]
Anna: Oh! But we can’t leave without Olaf.
[Cut to Olaf running in. He has one carrot as his nose and another carrot as his penis.]
Olaf: Don’t worry. I’m right here, guys. Boy, isn’t it a beautiful day outside? Wheeeee!
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]
Kristoff: Um, hey Olaf, what’s that second carrot about?
[Cut to Olaf]
Olaf: Which? This one? [showing his nose carrot]
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]
Anna: I think you know that’s not that carrot he’s talking about.
[Cut to Olaf]
Olaf: I guess I’m just growing up before your very eyes.
[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]
Kristoff: Alright! That’s it. We’re gonna leave Olaf here.
[Cut to Olaf]
Olaf: What? No hugs for Olaf? You know, carrots are good for your vision.
[music playing]
[singing] Do you want to build a snowman
[Olaf walks to get hugs but everybody are walking away from him]
Kristoff: That thing is thicker than a coke can
[Cut to the reindeer thinking, “Oh, I love carrots”.]
Male voice: Alright! We’re just gonna end it there. Frozen II on digital HD and DVD. Tell your kids we’re sorry.
