Host… Alex Moffat
Louisa… Lauren Holt
William… Timothée Chalamet
Sandy… Heidi Gardner
Ralph… Kyle Mooney
Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong
Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.
Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.
Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.
Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.
Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.
Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?
Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.
Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?
Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.
Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?
Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.
Beck: And the legs?
Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.
Cecily: Should we taste it?
Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.
Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.
William: Hi, judges.
Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?
William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.
Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?
William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.
Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?
William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.
Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.
Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?
William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.
Beck: Oh my god! What is that?
William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.
Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?
William: What do you mean?
Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.
William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Beck: Why is it puckering?
William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.
Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.
Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.
Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?
Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.
Host: Next up is Ralph.
Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?
Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.
Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.
Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.
William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]
Cecily: What’s happening?
William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.
Sandy: Ew! I see corn.
William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.
Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?
Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.
Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.
Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?
Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.
Beck: Got it. Nice job.
Sandy: Nice job?
William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]
Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.
Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?
Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.
William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.