Holiday Baking Championship 2020

Host… Alex Moffat

Louisa… Lauren Holt

William… Timothée Chalamet

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong

[Starts with a show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.

[Cut to the set. There are four contestants and one host. The contestants have covered their cakes with a present boxes.]

Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.

Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.

Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.

Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.

Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?

Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.

Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?

Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.

Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?

Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.

Beck: And the legs?

Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.

Cecily: Should we taste it?

Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.

Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.

William: Hi, judges.

Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?

William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.

Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?

William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.

Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?

William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.

Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.

Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?

William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.

Beck: Oh my god! What is that?

William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.

Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?

William: What do you mean?

Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.

William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beck: Why is it puckering?

[The cake is moving]

William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.

Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.

Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.

Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?

Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?

Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.

Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.

Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.

William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]

Cecily: What’s happening?

William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.

Sandy: Ew! I see corn.

William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.

Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?

Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.

Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. It has a penis on it.]

Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?

Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.

Beck: Got it. Nice job.

Sandy: Nice job?

William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]

Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.

Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?

Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.

William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.