Jack Flatts

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Kyle Mooney

Trevor… Beck Bennett

Cory… Andrew Dismukes

Roven… Kenan Thompson

Trish…Lauren Holt

[Starts with Jack Flatts commerical]

Female voice: Due to covid-19 stay at home restrictions, Jack Flatts has been unable to serve you our delicious retro burgers and shakes indoors. We know how much our loyal customers miss coming in and enjoying Jack Flatts classic American fair and our server’s hilarious wise cracking attitudes. But we’re still here, serving the community as best we can by offering free Curbside Pickup and delivery–

[rock music playing] [Cut to three people who are yelling and protesting angrily]

Trevor: Open up Jack Flatts now. Enough of this new normal crap.

Kyle: I wanna eat in a restaurant where the waiters make fun of you. And not just Curb Side, inside.

Cory: I don’t care what the state says. Before all this covid stuff when Jack Flatts opened up a new store, the governor was so happy to go out there and wave and stuff. Now,no?

Trevor: If you don’t open up Jack Flatts, I’m gonna… [small voice] kidnap the governor.

Kyle: I want the waiters to tease me while I’m eating saying, “You sure you can eat all that, big boy?” I want you to tease without a mask so I can hear what they’re saying. And if I don’t get teased without a mask… [small voice] I’ll kidnap the governor.

Trevor: Hey, this is my best bud, Roven. [Roven walks in] We have the same birthday, except he’s 19 years older. And every year, we go to Jack Flatts to celebrate. And what? Now we can’t coz the state says so?

Roven: Open up the playground.

Trevor: Yeah. You’re right. Mainly open up Jack Flatts. Otherwise, me and Roven… [small voice] will tie up the governor hiding somewhere.

Cory: I miss it. I miss the wacko fries, I miss the Joe Schmo burger, the flat melt, smash pies, host that looks like the goth girl from CSI. She is nasty but she calls me hunk coz I go there a lot.

Kyle: If you don’t open Jack Flatts, me, Trevor, Cory, Roven… [small voice] we’re gonna do it.

Trevor: Roven’s got all the stuff in his trunk.

Roven: Yeah. I always do.

Trevor: I don’t like the masks. I always get it up side down. I can’t see smiles.

Roven: Wanna see smiles.

[Cory pulls Trish in]

Cory: This is Trish, the funniest waitress at Jack Flatts. I showed up for Curb Side with mustard on my shirt and she didn’t even make fun of me. Just let it fly. What the hell am I paying for?

Trish: Okay, I don’t know what’s going on but this dude told me if I quit my shift, he would give me $1000 and put me in a movie.

Kyle: I get it. Not everybody likes to be teased. Don’t come here then. It’s just for fun. We’re not making fun of the real you. Just you as a customer.

Trish: So, is this like, a porno? Because honestly, at this point I don’t even care. I just want that $1000.

[Cory pushes Trish away]

Trevor: Just open up Jack Flatts. No masks, Joe schmoe burger and endless wacko fries, smashed pies, free gup buster refills. Jack Top bands playing all their hits. Otherwise… [small voice] I’m gonna snatch you up.

Cory: Yup. [small voice] Grab and trap you, the governor. Gonna blow and pass the guards.

[Kyle is holding a band’s picture]

Kyle: One of the guys in Jack Top band is like our game thing. Our group. And he wants to go back and play their hits.

Roven: Let them think.

Cory: [holding George Washington’s picture] George Washington wanted the British to tease him. He fought them to have that and soon as the British government said, “No more teasing, not allowed to tease that man,” what did George Washington do? [small voice] Kidnapped them. King, prince, everybody.

Trevor: That’s might up. Huh? They opened it back up. Made it back to be old mama guy.

[Trish walks back in]

Trish: Look, if I don’t get my money, I’m gonna slap the hell out of one of you virgins.

Cory: Hah! Good one, Trish.

Trish: I’m not joking.

[Back to Jack Flatts commercial]

Female voice: At Jack Flatts, we hope to see you soon.

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