JJ Watt monologue


JJ Watt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, JJ Watt.

[JJ Watt walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

JJ Watt: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is JJ Watt and I play defensive end for Houston, Texans. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. You see, Texans are a football team. Football is a sport with the helmets. I am sorry guys. I didn’t think I needed to explain that, but the writers back stage seemed super confused, so, here you go.

When I found out I was gonna be hosting SNL, I told some of my teammates. And not to fulfill stereotype, but at least half of them asked me, “What day do they tape that?” I mean, dude, it’s Saturday Night Live. How the hell am I supposed to know? I don’t work there.

Football is kind of the family business. I have two brothers who are also in the NFL. Our names are JJ, TJ and for some reason, Dirk. I don’t know if that means my parents loved him more or loved him less, but it definitely means different. My brothers are both big guys too. My mom gave birth to a lineman, a fullback and the linebacker. Yeah, ouch! Right? I know. After that, my dad said they were done having kids but my mom really wanted to try for a kicker. You know, someone she can dress up and buy cute clothes for. I know. I know. I’m sorry.

A lot of people wonder how my brothers and I got so big. And truth be told, guys, it’s just all genetics. You see, my mom comes from a long line of tall men, and my dad is actually Cleatus, the FOX SPORTS robot. Yeah, that’s where my broad shoulders are from.

People always ask my parents, “How did they manage to get three boys into the NFL?” And personally, I think it was the parenting style. For example, if we were ever fighting over Super Nintendo, my mom would take the controller, throw it down to the basement, turn off the lights, blast some Metallica and say, “Whoever brings that back to me gets to play next.” No, it’s not a joke, guys! It’s not a joke. That’s what we did. Why do you think my nose is so messed up?

Now, as we all know, tomorrow is of course, the Super Bowl. [cheers and applause] Guys! Guys! Don’t get too excited. I’m not in it. I didn’t get the part. But, I choose to look on the bright side of things. If I was in the Super Bowl, I probably couldn’t be here hosting tonight. And would I really trade hosting SNL for the Super Bowl? Yes, I definitely would. Actually, I still would. So, if you guys wanna call me, I’ll leave right now. But since that’s not gonna happen, I just wanna say to all the players in the game, congratulations. You guys have truly earned it and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I hope it ends up in a tie.

But I’m in New York city tonight. So, let’s party! We’ve got a great show for you guys lined up. Luke Combs is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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