John Mulaney
[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.
[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is 1 and if you’re watching at home and you don’t know who I am, I’m sorry. Um, I am like Louis Farrakhan. I mean a lot to a small group of people. It’s a leap year Saturday and I am the first person to ever host Saturday Night Live on a leap year Saturday. It’s very exciting. Yes. I am also the first hots who has done the least in between his second and third time hosting. I have nothing coming up. I am here to promote the month of March. “March, if winter had spring. March.”
Clap if your father is between the ages of 60 and 75. [audience clapping] Yeah. What’s going on with them? What’s wrong with them? They’re so emotional. My dad hugs me so tightly sometimes, I’m like, “Is one of us about to die?” And my dad has no friends. And your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you’re wrong. You mom has friends and they have husbands. Those are not your dad’s friends. Why do none of our baby boomer dads have friends? I have a few theories. One, they forgot. Two, they want to be alone. Dads want to be alone. I’m not a dad but i observed one. And he would go into his room and read about World War II. All of our dads are cramming for some World War II quiz show and I can’t wait to watch it. We’re just going to change channels and see how our dads win a $900,000 on Normandy Triva. Another theory I have is that dads really only care about money. But you’re not allowed to talk about money in United States. It’s taboo. So, they don’t have anything to talk about, so they have no friends.
A friend of mine once told me that he would rather his wife die than go through a divorce with her. He said that to me. Later that day I asked him, “Hey, what are you making this year?” And he said, “That’s personal.” It is hard to make friends when you’re an adult male. I think that’s the greatest miracle of Jesus, truly, is that he was a 33 year old man and he had 12 best friends. And they were not his wife’s friends or husbands. And he didn’t meet them a long time ago in school. He met them in his 30s. Twelve best friends! Remember when your dad went fishing once? These guys went fishing every day. They were all best friends. And he’d do magic tricks for them and they loved it. He did magic tricks to the one time that he should have done magic and then he forgot to. And they were taking– that must have been disappointing for his twelve best friends. They’re taking him away in chains and they’re like, “Do the chain trick you have.” “I don’t know. I don’t know how to break chains.”
Shifting topics entirely. It is a leap year I said. Leap year began in the year 45 BC under Julius Caesar. It’s true. He started the leap year in order to correct the calendar and we still do it to this day. Another thing that happened under Julius Caesar was he was such a powerful maniac that all the senators grabbed knives and they stabbed him to death. That’d be an interesting thing if we brought that back now. I asked my lawyer if I could make that joke and he said, “Let me call another lawyer” and that lawyer said yes. I don’t want to dwell on politics but I dislike the founding fathers immensely. They are weird group of guys. I hate when people are like, “Go has never created such a great group of men as the founding fathers.” Yeah, the 92 bulls. The 92 bulls were better than the founding fathers. The 96 bulls, maybe. That’s actually a perfect metaphor for the United States. When I was a boy, the United States was like, Michael Jordan in 1992. And now, the United States is like Michael Jordan now. The founding fathers were dumb because they made the constitution and they numbered it and the order is weird. They sat down, they had a feather. They knew how to make a pen. They were just being jerks. “Amendment number one, freedom of speech. And freedom of assembly. And freedom of religion. Okay, that’s one. How about two?” [yelling] “You can have all the guns you want.” “For two? How about like 17, 19?” “No, two. Guns!” “Alright. Let’s just put guns. He seems upset. Alright. Amendment number three.” [yelling] “The army can’t live in your house.” “Okay, buddy. I think you’re going through your own thing in life right now. And I feel for you. I think a soldier might be sleeping with your wife and you want to grab a gun and kill him. And I feel for you. But that cannot affect the list. This is like a ‘forever list.’ And we haven’t even got into basics like morning time is when you eat breakfast. So.” “Put it down in writing. The army can’t live in your house.” And don’t you thank god everyday for that third amendment? The other afternoon, this was Tuesday. I was in my apartment and the buzzer rang. And it was 101st airborne. And they said, “Permission to live in your house?” And I went, “Third amendment.” And he said, “Gentlemen, he’s invoked the third. Let’s fall out and find another house to live in. A thing that we do.”
In summary and in summation, a very nice thing happened to me this year. This is truly lovely. A young woman from the make a wish foundation made it her wish to meet me. And I was very flattered by that. I was very honored that she wanted to meet me. I was very concerned that she used he wish to meet me. I’m not someone, you know, you need to wish to meet. I’m around. I take the four-five express train a lot. I take this six. You can find me. You need the ‘make a plan foundation’ to find me. But I wanted to do it. And she said, “I just want to see how you spend a day.” And I said, “Oh, no. That’s even worse. I wouldn’t wish that on a healthy adult.” So, I didn’t want her to sit around watching me eat sour patch kids and repeat gossip. So, I brought her here to Saturday Night Live coz I still had my ID badge. And I bring her into the studio. Her name is Elizabeth. And they were rehearsing a big political sketch and Lin-Manuel Miranda is in this sketch playing Julian Castro. It’s very exciting. And she sees Lin-Manuel Miranda and she says, “Is that Lin-Manuel Miranda?” And I go, “Yeah. You wanna you wanna meet Lin?” I didn’t know if he went by Lin or Lin-Manuel, and I don’t know him. But I said, “Come on, let’s go.” So, I go up. I go up, “Hey, Lin [soft voice] Manuel. This is Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Lin [soft voice] Manuel.” And he was so nice to her and he took a photo with her and it was really beautiful moment. And we were walking out those doors down that hallway afterwards. She was really emotional and she went, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I should say this.” And I said, “Elizabeth, say whatever you want.” And she said, “Lin-Manuel Miranda was my first choice.” And I made her wish come true.
We have got a great show tonight ladies and gentlemen. David Byrne is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.
