Lighthouse Keeper


Phineas Gale…. Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Kate sitting with a small decorating ship in front of her. It’s a black and white video.]

Phineas Gale: Hello. My name’s Phineas Gale. I be the keeper of this here lighthouse. You know, I heard astronauts were giving tips on living in isolation. I thought, well, hey, I’ve been living alone on a rock in the middle of the sea for 50 years. I know a thing or two about a thing or two about that.

[A lighthouse keeper’s isolation tips.] [showing her journal] First things first, it’s important to keep a journal. Here, I do. [reading] April 4th, the seals are flirting with me.

You want to make your groceris last. And one way to do that is to have them all be beans.

Keep abreast of the news, and listen to the CDC. [pretending like he’s speaking on the phone] Okay, but why? You want me to do what? You want me to run around naked onthe shore, flapping me appendage in the breeze for all the seagulls to see? Okay.

In care it weren’t clear before, I’ve gone absolutely mad from the sea.

You got to keep your bearings. Here’s my trusty map. [showing a map she made herself.] Okay, I’ve got mother’s house, Australia, Australia, water.

[talking on the phone] What do you mean no one’s coming to relieve me? It’s been 50 years.

[singing] And my coo-coo from scurv or coo-coo from clap
only the sea can know

[talking on the phone] The ship was supposed to come in four days. So, for how much longer? They don’t know? Well, I’ll make a vaccine.

[There’s a bottle with a letter inside it at the shore.]

Me message in a bottle. [The letter says “I vote for Carter.”] Never made it.

I didn’t always used to be a lighthouse keeper. I was the town arsonist. I was in jail.

[looking at a mirror] I have a beard?

[looking at a fish at the shore with binoculars] Ooh, la, la. That’s what daddy like. Looking good, sweetheart.

[walking to a wooden eagle] Mother, good news. I’m going to be the next bachelor. Well, they saw the video that I’m making right now.

Thank you so much for listening. Just remember the most important thing. Do not give your money to a clam. Please. They don’t need it. Okay, goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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