Princess… Heidi Gardner
Blue Knight… Alex Moffat
Green Knight… Chris Redd
Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver
Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor
Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building] [Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]
Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?[Cut to the audience]
Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?[Cut to King and Princess]
King: Bring forth the knights.
Princess: And let the tournament commence.
Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight![Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]
Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight![Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]
Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight![Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]
Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.
Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.
Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.
Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?
Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]
Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.[Cut to Kenan and his son]
Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!
Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]
Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: God, speak to our knights[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]
Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.
Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.
Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.[Kyle walks in with a falcon]
Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.[Cut to the audience]
Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.
Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]
Mikey: No, no, no, no.
Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.
Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.
King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.
Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]
Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]
Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight] [Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]
Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]
Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!
Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.[Cut to Kenan and his son]
Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]
Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?
Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.
Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.[Mikey walks in]
Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.
Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!
Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.
Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]
Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]
Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–
Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.
Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice![Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]
Mikey: No, no.[The king is running] [Cut to Kenan and his son]
Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.[Kenan gives his son to have his drink] [The End]