Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

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[Cartoon starts with a woman talking]

Woman: Look Mike, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realized I spent years trying to fix this. To fix us. And the truth is, I don’t love you anymore. I want to but I can’t. Don’t you have anything to say?

Mike: Yeah. I’ve got something to say. [Cut to Mike, he’s a ninja turtle at his middle age.] If you think you’re getting the kids, you [bleep] crazy!

[Cut to Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles intro]

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
all of them are just in Under Armour 
[The ninja turtles are wearing Under Armour sports t-shirts.]

They came from mutant gins a secret booze
now they do their shopping at Whole Foods

they used to be so cool
now they drive their spoiled kids to school

Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
and all of them are slower now, turtle power

[cut to Don having his meal. His phone rings.]

Don: Hello.

Female voice: Hi, Don. This is Dr. Fersunberg.

Don: Oh, hey.

Female voice: Is this a good time to talk?

Don: Uh-huh.

Female voice: Now, if you know, we found a suspicious lump on your spine.

Don: Uh-huh.

[Don’s heartbeat is racing.]

Female voice: So, yeah, we got your test results back.

Don: Uh-okay.

Female voice: Well, I’m looking at the report right now. And as it turns out it was just a benign cyst.

[Don’s relieved.]

Don: Oh. Okay. Great. Thanks.

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

[Cut to Raph and Leo at the park drinking coffee]

Raph: Hey, did you hear about Shredder?

Leo: No. What happened?

Raph: He die.

Leo: Wow. Seriously?

Raph: Yeah. You think we should go to the funeral?

Leo: No. No. Maybe the wake but definitely not the service.

Raph: Yeah. Hey man, [hesitating to speak] can I borrow some money?

Leo: Again? Come on, Raph.

Raph: [crying] God I got to stop betting on golf. I don’t even watch it.

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
their best days are way behind them

 

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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