Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock
Candis… Ego Nwodim
Queenie… Chloe Fineman
Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes
Adam Silver… Alex Moffat
Athlete… Chris Redd
Meghan Thee Stallion[Starts with ESPN show intro]
Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]
Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.
Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way![Cut back to Soupsalad]
Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]
Let’s pick the top draft picks.
Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!
Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.
Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.
Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?
Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!
Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]
Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]
Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.
Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell![Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]
Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?
Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.
Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!
Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?
Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.
Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.
Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.
Soupsalad: Things are heating up.[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]
Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.
Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.
Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.[A delivery guy walks in]
Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.
Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man![Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]
Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.] [There’s a sound playing]
Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]
Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–
Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]
Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?
Meghan: Love you.
Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.