New Normal

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kyle Mooney

Jeannie…Kate McKinnon

Don… Bill Burr

[Starts with three adult couples enjoying barbecue at backyard.]

Chloe: Thank you so much for doing this. It’s so nice to have to have a reason to get out of the house.

Kenan: Well, we thought that we could at least get together out here so we can social distance on the deck.

Ego: Yeah. As much as we wanna see people, I know it’s still a little nerve wrecking.

Kyle: Jeannie and Don, we haven’t seen you this whole time.

Jeannie: Oh, no. We’ve been really, really deep in our bubble. You’re the first people we’ve seen in six months. I hope you remember how.

Don: Ha-ha. Yeah. I’d say we’re a little freaked out just seeing people in 3D, but you know, I am so glad that we did this.

Jeannie: Yeah, me too.

Kyle: It’s such a weird time.

Jeannie: Um-hmm, it really is. It’s a cliche, but it’s unpresidented.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s funny.

Ego: That is funny.

Don: What? What’s funny?

Kyle: Well, you said ‘unpresidented’. That does a joke, you know? Like, we don’t have president.

Jeannie: Oh, no. I just said the word.

Don: Yeah. Like, you know, they say it at the ending of every commercial. Like, “In these unpresidented times.”

Jeannie: “In the unpresidented times, you need snickers” or whatever.

Chloe: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess we had it confused.

Ego: Yeah. Because the word is actually–

Kenan: You know, you don’t have to actually do that.

Ego: I mean, but I would want to know.

Kenan: Or you can just let it go.

Don: No, no, say, say. Let what go?

Chloe: No. It’s just the word you’re thinking of is unprecedented.

Jeannie: Is it really? Unprecedented. Unprecedented.

Don: Unprecedented. Okay.

Jeannie: I guess we said that wrong. I guess.

Don: Hah. Unprecedented. Okay. Thank you.

Jeannie: Yes. Unprecedented? Yeah.  Thank you.

Kyle: Well, you know what’s unprecedented? These wings.

Kenan: Ha-ha. Okay.

Ego: Ha-ha-ha. Do you like em’? I bake them.

Kenan: Yeah. I actually think they taste better than the fried one.

Don: You know, I’m sorry we said the word wrong. Okay?

Kenan: I’m sorry. What was that?

Jeannie: I’m sorry we said the word wrong in your house. Or on your deck. Sorry, we’re on your deck!

Don: It was nothing. Watch it, Jeannie. Don’t say you’re in the house when we’re on the deck. You wouldn’t want to say the wrong place.

Jeannie: Yeah. We made so many mistakes tonight and I am sorry.

Don: Hey, sorry. Sorry, we had to make– we have a nerve to make so many mistakes on your deck.

Kyle: Don’t get upset. It’s nothing.

Ego: Yeah. You know, the other day I said ‘Dua Lipi’ instead of ‘Dua Lipa’.

Don: Look, we have not been out of the house in six months.

Jeannie: We’ve had show many COVID scares?

Don: I don’t know. I get–

Jeannie: [yelling] Kenan0! Kenan0!

Don: I get fevers. I don’t even know why. Okay?

Jeannie: So, I’m sorry we’re a little on edge. It’s just where we’re at.

Don: Okay? This is just our noon normal. Okay?

Kyle: New normal?

Don: What?

Kenan: Don’t correct him. You ain’t got to correct him.

Don: No, no, no, no, no. What did you say? I said noon normal. What did you say?

Chloe: The phrase is ‘new normal’.

Jeannie: He said noon normal.

Chloe: I know, but it’s new normal. What is noon normal?

Don: You know, it’s like when the day’s going great and then at around noon time, it just– [yelling] [Don throws his wine glass at the wall]

Kyle: Good god!

Jeannie: We are all we have. You see? We only see each other every day.

Don: Things get repeated. Our brains get confused.

Jeannie: We don’t have a deck. We don’t have outdoor lights. Well, we don’t have baked wings. We’re not rich.

Don: We drink our money.

Jeannie: Our money goes to drinks. [Jeannie throws her wine glass on the wall too]

Kyle: Oh good Jesus!

[Jeannie kicks the wings away]

Jeannie: I’m sorry. I have kicked the wings. I’m sorry.

Don: Yeah. And I might have broken a glass. And I think she broke one too. So, we owe you two glasses. Alright? For all intent and porposes, I’m sorry.

Jeannie: I’m sorry we’re bad.

Kenan: Jeannie, Don, calm down. Come on. It’s okay. The world is really stressful right now. You don’t have to be sorry for anything.

Ego: My wings are everywhere, but the important thing is that we’re together.

Kyle: And we’re safe and healthy.

Ego: Yeah. And thank god, no one has COVID.

Jeannie: I think you mean COVIN.

Kenan: [whispering to Ego] Girl, we’re gonna run out of glasses if you say something.

Ego: That’s right. It is COVIN. I meant to say COVIN.

All: Here’s to the end of COVIN.