Madge… Aidy Bryant
Dickie… Kate McKinnon
Terry… RuPaul[Starts with Old New York Show intro.] [music playing]
Madge and Dickie: [singing] Buy some and drink it, booze,
oh! Drink it. It’s the Old New York Show. With Madge and Dickie. Hello!
Madge: Yes, and welcome to the Old New York Show with Madge and Dickie.
Dickie: I’m Dickie Saint Painters. And this is my life long friend and drinking companion, Madge Caddington Boot.
Madge: It’s true. Dickie and I have lived on 36th floor of the beautiful Saint Bevis Hotel.
Dickie: Overlooking a full authority bus hospital.
Madge: Yes. Now we broadcast this show from our shared room straight to the Hotel TV channel One!
Dickie: We’ve lived in this room for over 50 years.
Madge: Yeah, there’s a rule on the books from Giuliani that if we set foot outside, we have to give it up. So, we love Rudy!
Dickie: Oh, come back Rudy!
Madge: Yeah, you know, New York, it used to be different. But now, it’s changed.
Dickie: Madge and I lived through the most iconic period of New York history.
Madge: 1994! Oh, early to mid 90s.
Dickie: The Rudy day.
Madge: Every apartment was a dollar!
Dickie: No Red Docks!
Madge: Dignified! And you know what? Music was like, this. [snapping her finger fast] Never slow. It was New York.
Dickie: Oopsie, doopsie doop.
Dickie: Now the sound of diamonds falling onto a mirror means it’s time to admire our bubbles. Two, three, four.[music playing]
Madge and Dickie: [singing] Gold rings on an old hand
gold rings on an old hand
Dickie: That was fun.
Madge: That was good. Oh, sure, you bitch.
Dickie: Oh, shut up. Shut up. Now, it’s time to introduce our guest.
Madge: Twice now. Dickie and I have married the same man. That’s right, so please welcome Terry Tees.[Terry walks in and hugs Madge and Dickie]
Terry: Oh! Oh, Madge. Dickie! Oh! You girls don’t look a day over 30.
Madge: Oh, thank you.
Terry: You look a million days over 30!
Madge: We love you. We love you. You know, we first met Terry in the barged off bathroom where we were all shoplifting silk.[Cut to Terry]
Terry: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. The three of us were stuffing our blouses with other nicer blouses.[Cut to Madge and Dickie]
Dickie: We were all putting on for three days, and when we left, we were friends for life.
Madge: Yes. Now, Terry, tell them what you do for living.[Cut to Terry]
Terry: Well, by day I’m an unemployed shoe critic. By night, I’m an usher on Broadway where I yell at ladies to pee faster. And by morning, I’m asleep.
Dickie: Now, we had some great times together in old New York, didn’t we Terry?[Cut to Terry]
Terry: Oh, yes! Throwing costume jewelry off the Empire State building.[Cut to Madge and Dickie]
Dickie: Falling off the side of the Staten Island ferry.
Madge: And, blowing all our cash betting on alley cats down in the gutter casino. Speaking of… two, three, four.[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]
All: [singing] Gutter casino roulette
tiny tap table where the rats can bet
Terry: Hah! Now, that was old New York.[Cut to Madge and Dickie]
Dickie: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, come back.
Madge: Yes, Rudy! We love you. You killed all the whores.
Dickie: You sent all the screegy men to hell.[knocking sound]
Okay, the sound of a rat falling into a fryer, means it’s time for our big praying.[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry. Madge is picking up the phone]
Madge: Yes. Yes. Terry, call room service.
Terry: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Hello, room service? Do you have any turd soup?
Madge: Oh, you don’t? Well, that’s my favorite food.
Dickie: And now we’re gonna bomb the whole hotel.
Terry: Hang up! Hang up![Cut to Madge and Dickie]
Dickie: I think they know it’s us but I don’t know how.
Madge: Yes. Yes. They can handle it. They gotta be tough. Why? Coz it’s New York city. City of trains, two, three, four.[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]
All: G to the L to the One to the Q
took across town 7 till the uptown two.
Dickie: There’s a puddle on my seat. What should I do?[Cut to Terry]
Terry: Sit in it baby. It’s New York![Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]
All: And that’s how I think
I got pee in one blink
in New York
Madge: Oh! De Blasio! You wish, De Blasio! You wish!
Dickie: The sound of bed bugs stampeding out of electrical sockets means it’s time to go to bed.
Madge: They’re hungry for us.[Cut to Terry]
Terry: Aw, hey! You mind if I crash? I- I can’t stay at my apartment tonight because it’s been a CVS for 20 years.[Cut to Madge and Dickie]
Madge: Of course![Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]
All: [singing] It’s the Old New York show![The End]