Old New York Show


Madge… Aidy Bryant

Dickie… Kate McKinnon

Terry… RuPaul

[Starts with Old New York Show intro.] [music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Buy some and drink it, booze,
oh! Drink it. It’s the Old New York Show. With Madge and Dickie. Hello!

[Madge and Dickie sit down.]

Madge: Yes, and welcome to the Old New York Show with Madge and Dickie.

Dickie: I’m Dickie Saint Painters. And this is my life long friend and drinking companion, Madge Caddington Boot.

Madge: It’s true. Dickie and I have lived on 36th floor of the beautiful Saint Bevis Hotel.

Dickie: Overlooking a full authority bus hospital.

Madge: Yes. Now we broadcast this show from our shared room straight to the Hotel TV channel One!

Dickie: We’ve lived in this room for over 50 years.

Madge: Yeah, there’s a rule on the books from Giuliani that if we set foot outside, we have to give it up. So, we love Rudy!

Dickie: Oh, come back Rudy!

Madge: Yeah, you know, New York, it used to be different. But now, it’s changed.

Dickie: Madge and I lived through the most iconic period of New York history.

Madge: 1994! Oh, early to mid 90s.

Dickie: The Rudy day.

Madge: Every apartment was a dollar!

Dickie: No Red Docks!

Madge: Dignified! And you know what? Music was like, this. [snapping her finger fast] Never slow. It was New York.

Dickie: Oopsie, doopsie doop.

Madge: Oh!

Dickie: Now the sound of diamonds falling onto a mirror means it’s time to admire our bubbles. Two, three, four.

[music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Gold rings on an old hand
gold rings on an old hand

Dickie: That was fun.

Madge: That was good. Oh, sure, you bitch.

Dickie: Oh, shut up. Shut up. Now, it’s time to introduce our guest.

Madge: Twice now. Dickie and I have married the same man. That’s right, so please welcome Terry Tees.

[Terry walks in and hugs Madge and Dickie]

Terry: Oh! Oh, Madge. Dickie! Oh! You girls don’t look a day over 30.

Madge: Oh, thank you.

Dickie: Sweet.

Terry: You look a million days over 30!

Madge: We love you. We love you. You know, we first met Terry in the barged off bathroom where we were all shoplifting silk.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. The three of us were stuffing our blouses with other nicer blouses.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: We were all putting on for three days, and when we left, we were friends for life.

Madge: Yes. Now, Terry, tell them what you do for living.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Well, by day I’m an unemployed shoe critic. By night, I’m an usher on Broadway where I yell at ladies to pee faster. And by morning, I’m asleep.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Now, we had some great times together in old New York, didn’t we Terry?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Oh, yes! Throwing costume jewelry off the Empire State building.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Falling off the side of the Staten Island ferry.

Madge: And, blowing all our cash betting on alley cats down in the gutter casino. Speaking of… two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: [singing] Gutter casino roulette
tiny tap table where the rats can bet

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Hah! Now, that was old New York.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, come back.

Madge: Yes, Rudy! We love you. You killed all the whores.

Dickie: You sent all the screegy men to hell.

[knocking sound]

Okay, the sound of a rat falling into a fryer, means it’s time for our big praying.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry. Madge is picking up the phone]

Madge: Yes. Yes. Terry, call room service.

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Hello, room service? Do you have any turd soup?

Madge: Oh, you don’t? Well, that’s my favorite food.

Dickie: And now we’re gonna bomb the whole hotel.

All: Ha-ha-ha.

Terry: Hang up! Hang up!

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: I think they know it’s us but I don’t know how.

Madge: Yes. Yes. They can handle it. They gotta be tough. Why? Coz it’s New York city. City of trains, two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: G to the L to the One to the Q
took across town 7 till the uptown two.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: There’s a puddle on my seat. What should I do?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Sit in it baby. It’s New York!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]

All: And that’s how I think
I got pee in one blink
in New York

Madge: Oh! De Blasio! You wish, De Blasio! You wish!

Dickie: The sound of bed bugs stampeding out of electrical sockets means it’s time to go to bed.

Madge: They’re hungry for us.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Aw, hey! You mind if I crash? I- I can’t stay at my apartment tonight because it’s been a CVS for 20 years.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Yes!

Madge: Of course!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: [singing] It’s the Old New York show!

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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