Outdoor Cabaret

Charlie… Bowen Yang

Devin… Jason Bateman

Billy Moon… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a live music show in a restaurant]

Ladies: [singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[Charlie walks to the stage]

Charlie: Wow, wow. What a safe song choice. Thanks so much for joining us this evening at a outdoor cabaret folks. As always, you’ve Devin tickling the ivories. Say hi, Devin.

[Devin is on the piano. He is wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection.]

Devin: Um, they’re less ivory. They’re more plastic, Charlie. My actual piano got stolen last week. Do you remember? You just sat there and you watched?

Charlie: Devin! Well, everyone. It’s me, Charlie Viig. I was a main stay here at the duplex in the great performance. And hey, one of my favorite performance just got back from a trip abroad. Please give a downtown welcome to the legendary, Mr. Billy Moon.

[Billy walks to the stage]

Billy: Isn’t it marvelous? You’ve made the outside look like inside.

Charlie: That’s right. Tell the people where you’ve been the last nine months?

Billy: Well, since March, I’ve been on the only cruise ship with zero infections. So, we just never got off.

Charlie: Oh, my god! So, you were just floating out there?

Billy: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Well, thank god you made it out. Billy, shall we sing to celebrate your joyous return?

Billy: Let’s try.

[music playing]

Charlie: [singing] Oh, yet a trouble

Billy: Happy day

Charlie: Come on get happy

Billy: I hear again, skies

Charlie: Shout hallelujah

Billy: Shout and sing a song

Charlie: Let’s get happy

Billy: Out here again

Charlie: Get ready for

Billy: Happy days are here again

Billy: Charlie! I have to say. I love that there’s a doctor here tonight.

Devin: No, I’m not a doctor. I’m just respecting science. It’s me, Billy.

Billy: Devin? Why are you wearing all that gauze?

Devin: Oh, I’m protecting myself because Charlie is trying to achieve herd immunity in the cabaret world.

Charlie: Well, if the sweets can do it.

Devin: They did not.

Charlie: Oh, and a reminder, folks. If you want drinks, you have to order food too.

[Cut to a waiter. He is also wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection. He has one hotdog in his one hand.]

Waiter: I’ve only got one hotdog left. So everybody, just take a bite and pass it. Okay?

Charlie: Billy, you know what the best way to thank health care workers who are begging us to stay inside is?

Billy: To go outside and sing for a crowd. This one’s for you, doctor! [pointing at Devin]

Devin: Still me, Devin. Okay? And this plastic keyboard is officially melting. Anyway we can back this heat lamp off like, Charlie0 feet?

Billy: What do you say, Charlie?

Charlie: [singing] The sun is shining

Billy: out together

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: Oh, the good old days. Do you remember when I had my picture up?

Charlie: Yes. It was right up at the front by the cash register that said “bounced check”.

Billy: Ha-ha. Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.

Charlie: But you know what? We’ll survive. I mean, New York’s gotten through tougher times.

Devin: Yes, I remember the Spiderman musical.

Charlie: Oh! Devin! Well, just look at us. I’d say we’re doing pretty well for ourselves. Right?

Devin: Not really, Charlie. Our outdoor set up got decimated by a cab and a bus last week.

Billy: Oh my! Well, did you at least get insurance money?

Devin: No, no. We owe them. We set it up in a turn lne.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s an oopsie on us!

[singing] We’re heading across the river
so your cares will all be gone

Billy: There’ll be no more from now on

Charlie and Billy: From now on

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: I just want to say. I think as long as we have each other, we’ll get through this.

Devin: The pandemic or the performance?

Charlie: Oh, Devin!

Devin: Kidding. I love you both. But Hobby does need me home.

Charlie: What could he possibly need?

[singing] Happy time

Billy: Happy night

Charlie and Billy: Happy days are here agan