Pizza Place


JJ Watt

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with door bell ringing. The delivery guy gets in. Delivery guy and Heidi are standing, waiting for him.]

Delivery guy: Did somebody order an extra large sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, yeah! We sure did.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Is it nice and hot?

Delivery guy: It sure is, ladies. That’ll be 10 bucks.

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, but we don’t have any money.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Yeah, is there any other way we can pay for all the sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Yeah, we’ll do anything.

Delivery guy: I mean, I guess there’s one thing you could do.

[Delivery guy opens his jacked and Heidi and Cecily start touching Delivery guy] [Cut to two hours later at Big Whillie’s Pizza. Kenan is trying to do the accounts but the calculation isn’t right.]

Kenan: I don’t understand. What is going on? I don’t understand why we not making no money. We getting in plenty of orders. Oh, my goodness! What is–

[Delivery guy walks in Kenan’s office]

Kenan: Ay, where have you been?

Delivery guy: Sorry I’m late, man! I don’t think I can do any more deliveries today.

Kenan: You know what? I’ma have to let you go.

Delivery guy: What? You’re firing me? But why, man?

Kenan: Coz you are terrible. Every delivery takes you an hour and then you need a nap. And more importantly, you ain’t brought back a dime yet.

Delivery guy: That’s not my fault. All the customers don’t have any money.

Kenan: This ain’t no charity. This is a business, son. Did you at least bring the pizza back?

Delivery guy: Well, no. Last time I brought one back, you got mad at me.

Kenan: Well, that’s because it had a giant hole cut out the middle of it. Looked like somebody stuck their arm in the damn thing. I can’t resale that.

Delivery guy: Where is that pizza?

Kenan: Well, I just ate it all myself.

Delivery guy: Oh, god, man! Tell me you didn’t eat that pie.

Kenan: I can’t afford to waste no food! I’m broke! Thanks to you. And there weren’t any sausage on it.

Delivery guy: Well, there was.

[phone ringing]

Kenan: Oh, hang on a second there, son. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, Great Big Willie. Can I take your order? Okay, ma’am. So, you want another extra large sausage for you and your sister to share. Okay. Anything else? Well, he’s being fired right now but I can– hello? Hello? Man, damn phone cut out. Look son, when I met you at that bus station bathroom, you told me that you would do anything to make some quick cash. So, I gave you this job but it just ain’t working out.

Delivery guy: You gotta give me another chance, man! I really, really love this job.

Kenan: Oh, do you? Because you don’t act like it. I mean, did you even shower today?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah, why?

Kenan: Coz you smell like shell fish in karate class. I don’t know what it is but you are ripe.

[phone ringing]

Ay, hold on a second there. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, we come where you ask. Oh, yes ma’am. You want a nice thick meaty sub for your bachelorette party. In fact, I will personally bring it myself. Hello? Hello? We are losing business coz of this damn phone.

Delivery guy: Sir, there’s gotta be something I can do to keep this job. All do anything!

Kenan: Anything?

Delivery guy: Huh?

Kenan: Did you just say you’d do anything to keep this job?

Delivery guy: Um, yeah. I mean, I guess, man!

Kenan: Well, there’s one thing you can do for me.

Delivery guy: Wait a second sir. If you wanna have sex, I’m gonna need like an hour of nap.

Kenan: Have sex? What the hell you talking about?

Delivery guy: Oh, I thought it was like when I trade sex for pizza, man!

Kenan: What? I just wanted you to shoot my father-in-law for me.

Delivery guy: Thank god!

Kenan: So, is that why you never have my money?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah! But I can explain.

Kenan: Get your ass out of my office! Now! You damn sicko!

[Delivery guy leaves] [phone ringing] [talking on the phone] Yes, hello, Big Whillie’s Pizza. Look, lady. We ain’t got no more foot long salami. He has been fired! But can I interest you in a respectable middle sized — hello? Hello? Damn phone!

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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