RuPaul Monologue

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RuPaul

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage. He’s wearing a pink suit.] [cheers and applause]

RuPaul: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you. Hello, hello, hello. Well, this is fun, right? My name is Ru which is short for RuPaul’s Drag Race.

[cheers and applause]

Now, for anyone who’s not familiar with my show. how dare you? And second of all, let me break it down for you in terms you can understand. So our girls gag us with their allaganza, deathdrop for the children, and slay the house down boots. Make sense? Now, I’m sure most of you are probably surprised to see me out of drag. but trust, I am wearing my grandmother’s panties, for good luck. You know. You know, I always say you’re born naked and the rest is drag. So whatever you put on after you get out of the shower, baby, that’s your drag. Like, ma’am, you’re in drag, and sir, you’re in drag. And even you, sir, you’re in drag.

I moved to new york city in the 1980s with a pair of high heels and a dream. Back then New York was full of drugs, street walkers and seedy nightclubs. But it wasn’t all good. Now, I wanted to tell you guys some stories of my experiences as a drag queen in the east village. But the producer said, “Oh, no. You better don’t.” So guys, here’s an edited version of what they let me say, okay? “Yonkers. Corrections officer. House of pancakes. Feet.” So you guys can just fill in the blanks, and — true story. I’ve been in the business for a really long time. I’ve had lots of ups and downs. There are three things that always get me through everything. Number one, get the money up front. Number two, if they ain’t paying your bills, pay them no mind. And finally, don’t take life too seriously. There are things I take seriously. I take kindness seriously, I take love seriously. All the rest, baby, just have fun. If you follow your heart and dare to be different and use all the colors in the crayon box, who knows where you’ll end up. If you’re lucky, you just might find yourself hosting Saturday Night Live.” We have a great show. Justin Bieber is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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