Father… Jason Bateman
Jean… Heidi Gardner
Angel… Chloe Fineman
Ego Nwodim
Megan… Kate McKinnon
Stacey… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with a father interrupting girls’ sleepover]Father: Hey, hey, hey, girls. I’m sorry to interrupt. Lame ass dad is interrupting the sleepover. I’m just kidding. It’s me and I’m sorry that I cursed. Okay. Now, I wanted to talk to you girls please.
Jean: Is everything okay, dad?
Father: Absolutely. I don’t want to make anybody feel bad but something has happened upstairs. It’s a little bit embarrassing to talk about as a dad but it is totally natural. So, we’ll just– we’re gonna talk it out.
Girls: Okay.
Father: Alright. It looks as if someone has left a… um… a… a… a menstrual period stain on one of the couch cushions. It’s sort of big.
Jean: Oh, no! Will it come out?
Father: Well, whoever did it tried to put the whole cushion in the washing machine .
Angel: Did that break it?
Father: It sure did break it, angel. It broke it real bad. It overflowed and I think that the person panicked and tried to hide all the suds in your backpacks. Then they put the cushion in the dryer which really baked it in.
Ego: Oh, no.
Father: Yes. Yeah. Then they found some scissors. They cut a hole on the cushion which made the feathers from inside sort of explode all over the place. Jean, where’s Megan?
Jean: Um.. I don’t know. She went upstairs like, a long time ago.
Father: Yeah. Okay.
[Megan walks down. Her hair is messy and all the pillow feathers are on her.]Megan: Hey, what’s up?
Father: There she is. Hello, Megan. Can you please join us here on the couch? We’re just having a little chat because well, somebody had their period on a cushion and put a real big part of the couch in the wash.
Megan: [trying to act shocked] Whoa! You kidding me?
Father: Yeah. No, I’m not kidding at all.
Megan: [looking at the girls] Man, one of you has got a lot of explaining to do. Alright, I’m gonna head out. Happy birthday.
Father: No, no, no. I’d love you to stick around. We’re just talking with your gal pals here trying to do a little figuring out of a mystery and we’re just trying to figure out what happened.
Megan: Yeah, I think we should. There is a sicko among us. But it’s definitely not me because I wear monster tamps. I just like the way it feels. Big tamp in there. You know? Just take the applicator, put it in and then you poop it up.
Father: Well, I’d sure love less details.
Megan: Also, sir, I do wear a big leather underwear. Motorcycle style. I’m kink for sure.
Father: Even less would be dynamite.
Megan: [whispering on Father’s ear] Honestly, it was probably Stacey. She rides horses. Probably stretched herself out. The gate is open, if you know what I mean.
Stacey: Oh, man. Don’t talk about my gate.
Father: Okay, listen. I’m going to keep going with what happened. They took one of the pillows from our bed and brought that to replace the couch cushion but I guess they went ahead and they bled on that too.
Megan: Honestly, depraved.
Father: Then they sat on the floor, so there’s a part of the carpet that has been cut out now.
Megan: That’s just quick thinking.
Stacey: That’s a lot of stains.
Megan: Look, whoever did it, just come forward. Okay? We all get the same period, you guys. Jaundice, eight day vomit, homicidal ideations, speaking in tongues.
Ego: I don’t know that we share that.
Megan: We were all put on the pill and our bodies all fought it off. We all got an IUD and it rusted and passed.
Father: Girls, that’s enough. Here is the deal. The house is a rental. I’m gonna need to get my deposit back. So, unless I can give them some answers–
Megan: Come on, you guys. It is not a big deal. Just tell the hot dad that you kill billed his living room.
Father: Megan, I’d sure love to talk to you over here. Can we have a little side bar?
Megan: Ay, ay, captain.
Father: Okay. I want to give you a chance away from everyone else. Is there anything that you want to tell me?
Megan: I would like to make love to both you and your wife.
Father: Is there anything else that you would like to say?
Megan: You see, right now, it’s Megan0-Megan0 whether I will grow up to be gay. I propose we settle the question tonight with a game of spin the bottle. You, me, your wife.
Father: Okay. Never mind. I give up.
Angel: Wait. I have to confess something. I got a stain on a cushion and I put it in the washing machine. I’m sorry.
Stacey: Wait. I also got a stain on a cushion and put it in the washing machine.
Ego: Actually, so did I.
Jean: And I got a stain on a cushion, a sleeping bag, my training bra and the cockatiel. And I put them all on the washing machine.
Father: Girls. Thank you. I really appreciate your honesty. Megan, is there anything honest you would like to say to me?
Megan: No, there is not.
Father: Okie dokie. Please get back to your sleepover. Enjoy yourself. I’m sure everything is just going to be okay.
Girls: Thanks.
