Dad… Adam Driver
Stephane… Heidi Gardner
Meghan… Kate McKinnon[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]
Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.[Cut to the girls]
Chloe: The pizza came?[Cut to Dad]
Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?
Girls: Okay![Cut to Dad]
Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.[Cut to Aidy and Ego]
Ego: Oh, no![Cut to Dad]
Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?
Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]
Dad: Hi, Meghan.
Meghan: What’s up?[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.] [Cut to Dad]
Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]
Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.[Cut to everybody]
Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.
Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.[Cut to Meghan]
Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.[Cut to Meghan]
Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.
Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.[Cut to Meghan]
Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.[Cut to Stephane]
Stephane: Um, no I don’t.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.[Meghan walks to Dad]
Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?
Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.
Meghan: Honestly, wow!
Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”[Cut to Meghan]
Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.
Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?[Meghan walks to Dad]
Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?
Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?
Meghan: I think we should be together.
Dad: No. No!
Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!
Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.[Cut to the girls]
Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.
Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.
Stephane: Wait! I did too.
Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.[Cut to Meghan]
Meghan: No, there is not.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.[Cut to everybody]
Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!] [The End]